But rather, a fond shout-out to the lovely people I met at shutocon.
Vegan Cheesecake Round Up
Do not worry as you sleep tonight, for the secret police have ensured that no defective pillows have remained in use in our fair town. Had our generous protectors not destroyed every one of these comfortable head rests, they might have devoured your dreams, followed by your cranium, then feast upon the memory of you that anyone else may have.
Since this is no longer the case, feel free to add half a teaspoon of vanilla to your next cup of hot chocolate as tithe to their glorious protection, and trust that tomorrow your friends and family will wake up with you in mind.
They may even remember your birthday! Though, that may be too much to hope.
Goodnight, my friends.
anamustacho asked: sorry for my language but How the hell is there gluten in powdered sugar?!
IT’S DUE TO THE KIND OF STARCH THEY USE!
MOST MOTHERFUCKERS USE CORNSTARCH OR TAPIOCA STARCH (which don’t have gluten)
SOME WEIRDOS USE WHEAT STARCH.
SOME MANUFACTURERS JUST PROCESS THEIR POWDERED SUGAR WITH THE SAME MACHINES THEY USE FOR OTHER GLUTEN-CONTAINING PRODUCTS, SO THERE MAY BE A BIT OF CROSS-CONTAMINATION, BUT NONE BUT THE MOST GLUTEN-SENSITIVE WOULD EVER NOTICE A DIFFERENCE IN THEIR INNARDS.
IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FUCKING CRACK BEANS!
THAT SHIT’S A CRYING SHAME, BECAUSE CRACK BEANS ARE NAMED FOR A GOOD GODDAMN REASON! ONCE YOU TRY A BITE, YOU CAN’T SET THAT SHIT DOWN ‘TILL IT’S GONE, AND THEN YOU GO INTO WITHDRAWAL AND HIDE IN A CLOSET WITH A KNIFE TO YOUR PILLOW’S METAPHORICAL THROAT!
YOU READY TO RISK THAT SHIT?
WELL RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT AND SCREAM AT THE HEAVENS BECAUSE THIS BULLSHIT NEEDS TO HAPPEN CORRECTLY!
GATHER UP YOUR INGREDIENTS LIKE THE WAR-HERO YOU ARE!
YOU’LL NEED GREEN BEANS, BLACK PEPPER, APPLE CIDER VINEGAR, A WHITE ONION, BACON
TAKE TWO GIANT HANDFULS OF GREEN BEANS, PICKED FRESH BY THE ELVES OF RIVENDALE. NONE OF THAT CANNED SHIT, YOU CAN TOSS THAT RIGHT IN THE NEAREST VOLCANO!
SHOVE THAT DELICIOUS SHIT IN THE POT YOU’D OTHERWISE USE FOR COOKING SMALL CHILDREN IN, ALONG WITH ENOUGH WATER TO SUBMERGE IT! COVER THAT LOVELY SHIT AND SET IT ON MEDIUM HEAT. YOU WANT THE WATER TO BOIL.
SING UNTIL THE EARTH ITSELF SPITS UP AN ONION FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION. THANK GAIA POLITELY AND CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF HALF OF IT!
USE THE FLESH OF THE PIG YOU LAST SLAUGHTERED TO APPEASE YOUR BLOOD-THIRSTY GODS TO HARVEST SOME DELICIOUS BACON. ABOUT A CUP OF THAT GORGEOUS MEAT.
YOU’LL ALSO NEED SOME APPLE CIDER VINEGAR! RICE OR WHITE VINEGAR WILL NOT FUCKING WORK! BALSAMIC VINEGAR MIGHT, BUT I’VE NEVER TRIED.
NOW GET OUT THE BIGGEST FUCKING COOKING DEVICE THAT WILL FIT ATOP THE STOVE AND TURN UP THE HEAT!
TURN THAT HEAT UP UNTIL YOU START HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHEN YOU WERE CHAINED UP IN HELL AND ONLY THE RADIANT AURA OF A HOMOSEXUAL ANGEL COULD SAVE YOU!
NOW FLING THAT BACON ON THERE AND WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FUCKING FAT-SPITS. IT’S WHEN THE BACON SCREAMS IN AGONY AND FLINGS BITS OF ITS SEARING FLESH AND BLOOD AT YOUR SKIN IN AN ATTEMPT AT RETRIBUTION!
WHEN THE GREASE IS SIZZLING ALL LIQUID GORGEOUS, TOSS YOUR ONION IN THERE, AND KEEP STIRRING, YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER!
SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL HARMONY GOING ON? FUCKING AMAZING!
WHEN THE SUGAR INSIDE THE ONIONS STARTS TO MELT, YOU KNOW SHIT’S GOING DOWN! THE ONIONS TURN CLEAR AND A BIT BROWNISH AND THAT’S CALLED ‘CARMELIZATION’
MOTHER OF GOD, IT’S LIKE THE LITTLE SHIT THAT COULD MAKE YOU WEEP LIKE A CHILD IS ACTUALLY A CANDY AT HEART! WHAT THE FUCK!?
NOW TURN YOUR FOOD-SMELL-ADDLED BRAINS BACK TO THE BEANS, BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE TURNING A RICH, DARK GREEN AT THIS POINT.
LIKE YOU THOUGHT GREEN BEANS WERE GREEN BEFORE, BUT AFTER SITTING IN SOME BOILING WATER, THEY TURN THIS RICH-ASS GREEN LIKE THEY MAY AS WELL BE FUCKING YOUR EYES WITH THE BEAUTY OF THEIR COLOR.
TAKE THOSE FUCKERS OFF THE STOVE AND DRAIN THEM!
WHEN YOU SEE THE ONIONS TURNING CLEAR, TOSS THE COOKED GREEN BEANS IN THERE, AND SCREAM YOUR DEATH METAL RENDITION OF “MISTY MOUNTAINS” AT IT UNTIL IT WRITHES AROUND AT THE SHEER MAGNIFICENCE AND STIRS ITSELF.
TAKE THAT 1/2 CUP OF VINEGAR YOU HAD WAITING PATIENTLY AND KISS IT SOUNDLY ACROSS THE LIPS, WHISPER SWEET SECRETS INTO ITS EARS AND THEN POUR IT SEDUCTIVELY ALL OVER THE BEANS~
WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, PUNCH SOME BLACK PEPPER AND SPRINKLE ABOUT 1 TEASPOON OF IT ALL OVER. IF YOU END UP BATHING IN THE SHARDS OF ITS SOUL, THAT’S FINE TOO!
KEEP STIRRING FOR ANOTHER 2 MINUTES OR SO, LET THAT GORGEOUS LIQUID SOAK IN, THEN SERVE YOURSELF SOME DELICIOUS BEANS!
BUT WAIT! YOU COULD SAY, ACTING CONFUSED AS A SCORPION IN A DISHWASHER.. I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING CRACK BEANS!
WELL LISTEN UP, YOU CLEVER FUCK! LIKE CHILI AND SANGRIA, THIS SHIT DOESN’T REACH PEAK ‘AWESOME’ UNTIL AFTER A DAY IN THE FRIDGE, WALLOWING IN ITS OWN GODDAMN PERFECTION.
SO EAT A HELPING OF THE DELICIOUS-AS-HOLY-JESUS-FUCK BEANS, AND SAVE THE LEFTOVERS FOR TOMORROW, WHEN YOU CAN MICROWAVE THEM AND FIND THE TRUE MAJESTY OF 'CRACK BEANS'
(VEGAN MOTHERFUCKERS CAN USE THEIR WEIRD FAKE-BACON IT TASTES FINE IN THIS)
HOLY BIFROST BRIDGE, BATMAN!
THIS MOTHERFUCKER (classroomcompatriot) JUST KICKED MOUNT EVEREST IN THE FACE AND NEEDS SOME WARMING UP!
BETTER GET THEIR ASS OVER TO THE KITCHEN TO MAKE SOME HOT CHOCOLATE FROM SCRATCH, BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS ‘FUCK YOU, COLD WEATHER’ LIKE WATCHING THE STARS AND DRINKING HOT COCOA.
YOU NEED SOME POWDERED SUGAR, VANILLA, DARK CHOCOLATE AND SOME GORGEOUS-ASS WHOLE MILK, OR HALF-AND-HALF CREAM.
WHIP OUT A BAG OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS AND SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF THEM, SO THEY LOOK LIKE THE BROKEN PIECES OF DEAN WINCHESTER’S HEART. YOU NEED 1 CUP OF THAT BULLSHIT.
TRASH-TALK A COW UNTIL SHE STARTS PLAYING ROCK METAL AND HANDS YOU 4 CUPS OF HER DELICIOUS MILK. PARTY ROCK THE FUCK OUT OF THERE AND SHOVE THAT BITCHIN’ LIQUID INTO A POT ON ‘LOW’ HEAT.
KEEP A WHISK IN THERE AND STIR IT AROUND ONCE A MINUTE, BECAUSE HARDCORE FUCKERS KNOW SITTING MILK ATTRACTS BROWNIES, AND THOSE BITCHES NEED TO KEEP THE FUCK AWAY.
NOW TOSS IN 1 TEASPOON OF VANILLA, 3 TEASPOONS OF POWDERED SUGAR AND THE SMASHED CHOCOLATE THEN WHISK THAT TEENAGE REBELLION OUT OF THE FUCKER!
AFTER EVERYTHING CHUNKY IS EXTERMINATED, TURN THE HEAT UP TO ‘MEDIUM’ AND STIR SLOWLY FOR 4 MINUTES BEFORE GETTING IT THE FUCK OFF THE HEAT, POURING IT INTO A MUG AND DRINKING THIS BEAUTIFUL SHIT.
YOU CAN SIT BACK WITH A CUP OF THIS MAGNIFICENT BASTARD, LOOK YOUR BROTHER IN THE EYE AND SNARL ‘I WIN’
To make glutenfree, use a gluten free brand of powdered sugar.
HAVE YOU TRAVELED ACROSS HALF A WORLD TO THROW A TRINKET INTO A VOLCANO? READY YOUR TRAVELING GEAR, BECAUSE COCONUT TAPIOCA PUDDING IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. (wizard business)
HARNESS A WHITE STEED AND GALLOP TO YOUR LOCAL GROCER TO FIND ‘SEED’ OR ‘PEARL’ TAPIOCA. THOSE LITTLE BALLS OF GLORY MIGHT BE STASHED AWAY IN A SPECIALTY ASIAN FOOD MART, BUT SMART MOTHERFUCKERS PROBABLY KNEW THAT ALREADY.
‘MINUTE’ TAPIOCA IS SHIT. IT SUCKS ASS AND SWALLOWS. IT’S JUST POWDER - NOT THE HAPPY SPHERES LIKE TINY DRAGON EGGS IN YOUR MOUTH.
GRAB A HALF-CUP OF THOSE BEAUTIES AND SHOVE THEM IN A BOWL WITH A SINGLE CUP OF WATER.
THINK OF IT LIKE GERMINATING A SEED. YOU ONLY WANT TO LEAVE IT THERE FOR 15 MINUTES, OTHERWISE IT WILL MAKE LIKE FRODO’S PARENTS AND DROWN!
DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY WHILE YOU POUR OFF THE EXCESS, UNWORTHY WATER (flop it into a strainer if you have to.)
SHOVE THAT TAPOIOCA INTO A POT WITH 2 CUPS OF WATER AND A LITTLE PINCH OF SALT. SLAP IT ON MEDIUM-HIGH AND STIR A BIT WHILE IT REACHES A BOIL. FEEL THE HEAT AS THE PURIFICATION HAPPENS, LEAVING YOUR TAPIOCA THE FINEST AND MOST LOVELY IN THE REALM.
IF THAT ASSHOLE STARTS TO SPIT AND HISS AT YOU, ADD A LITTLE MORE WATER TO THE TOP, AND STIR MORE OFTEN. SOME MOTHERFUCKERS ARE SENSITIVE.
AS SOON AS IT’S BOILING (lots of bubbles making the surface unstable) TURN THE HEAT DOWN TO LOW-MEDIUM FOR 10-15 MINUTES.
AWWW YEAAH, POT ‘O GOODNESS RIGHT THERE.
WHEN IT STARTS TURNING SOFT AND A LITTLE BIT GOOEY (like your heart when confronted by a box of puppies), TAKE IT OFF THE HEAT AND COVER THE POT, LEAVING THAT SUCKER TO STEW AND REFLECT ON THE MYSTERIES OF THE WORLD FOR ANOTHER 10 MINUTES.
WHILE ITS MIND CLEARS, ITS BODY WILL BECOME CLEAR AS WELL.
AFTER THE TIME HAS PASSED, USHER THE BEAUTIES INTO THE FRIDGE FOR COOLING.
IN THE REALM OF ICE AND SNOW, THE TAPIOCA WILL THICKEN AND BOND TOGETHER, FRIENDSHIP AND HARMONY UNITING THEM INTO A TEAM!
NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE IT RIGHTEOUS WITH THE SOUL OF COCONUTS!
SCOOP OUT A THIRD OF A CUP OF TAPIOCA, AND MIX IN A FOURTH OF A CUP OF COCONUT MILK.
READY YOUR SWORD ARM, AND MIX WELL, MY FRIEND! THIRTY LASHES AT LEAST.
TO MAKE IT SWEETER, TOP IT OFF WITH A DRIZZLE OF SOME SORT OF SWEET SYRUP.
MY FAVORITE IS MAPLE SYRUP, BUT FRIENDLY LUMBERJACKS MAY PREFER STRAWBERRY SYRUP, AND PIRATE QUEENS MAY WANT TO TRY BLUEBERRY.
TO SERVE IT LIKE A FANCY MOTHERFUCKER, TOP IT WITH SOME SHREDDED, TOASTED COCONUT OR CHUNKS OF MANGO BECAUSE YOU DESERVE SOME PERFECTION IN YOUR LIFE.
ROCK ON, YOU BEAUTIFUL ASSHATS.
ARE YOU A GLUTEN-FREE, VEGAN MOTHERFUCKER?
IF YOU SAID NO, YOU BETTER SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN ANYWAY, BECAUSE DIETARY RESTRICTIONS DON’T MEAN SHIT WHEN YOU WANT TO PUT DELICIOUS SUBSTANCES IN YOUR FACE!
WE’RE GOING TO MAKE SOME GLORIOUS COCONUT RICE!
SHIT, THIS BULLSHIT IS SO GOOD I HAD TO SCRUB MY GREY MATTER WITH STEEL WOOL, BECAUSE I WITNESSED AN OLDER COUPLE EXPERIENCING ORGASM AFTER INGESTING IT!
I’LL BE DOING THIS THE STOVETOP WAY, BUT IF YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE A RICE COOKER, YOU CAN THROW IT IN THERE AND JUST HIT ‘COOK’
YOU BETTER GET SOME PERSONAL TRAINERS READY, BECAUSE YOU’LL NEED TO BE ABLE TO TRIPLE-BACK-HANDSPRING INTO A FULL SPLITS IF YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO HARNESS THE PURE MAJESTY OF 1 AND ½ CUPS UNCOOKED JASMINE RICE!
PLAIN WHITE RICE WORKS FINE. BROWN RICE IS NOT FINE!
GRAB A 14oz CAN OF COCONUT MILK - OR MAYBE JUST LASSO A COCONUT AND MILK ITS DEADLY FANGS FOR THE JUICE YOU REQUIRE FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL DISH!
PUNCH A LAKE UNTIL IT GIVES YOU 1 AND ¼ CUPS OF THE PUREST AND MOST SANITARY WATER IT POSSESSES!
DON’T HAVE YOUR OWN SUGAR CANE FIELDS TO PILLAGE FOR 1 TABLESPOON OF SUGAR? NEITHER DO I! YOU STILL NEED IT, THOUGH!
THROW ALL THIS BULLSHIT INTO A POT (OR RICE COOKER) AND CRANK THAT FUCKING HEAT UP UNTIL YOU SEE IT BOILING! FEELS GOOD, DOESN’T IT? WATCHING SOMETHING EXPERIENCE THE SAME EMOTIONAL PAIN AS YOU DID, WATCHING A CERTAIN ASSHOLE TORTURE HEAVEN’S MOST ADORABLE ANGEL!
THIS ASSHOLE IS A VIOLATE MOTHERFUCKER, SO WHEN YOU SEE IT LEAPING AROUND IN A GOOD BOIL, THEN YOU NEED TO TURN THAT HEAT BACK THE FUCK DOWN. SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT, MAN! COVER THE POT AND LET IT SIT THERE ON LOW HEAT FOR 15 - 20 MINUTES, UNTIL THE RICE IS TENDER.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S TENDER?
YOU TAKE SOME OUT OF THE POT AND PUT IT IN YOUR IDIOT MOUTH, THAT’S HOW!
ONCE IT’S REACHED THAT POINT, STIR IT UP AND TAKE IT OFF THE HEAT, BECAUSE THAT BEAUTIFUL BABY IS DONE!
CONGRATS, ASSHOLE, YOU JUST MADE SOME COCONUT RICE!
WHAT CAN YOU USE IT FOR?
EAT IT, MOTHERFUCKER!
SIDE DISH FOR FUCKING ANYTHING, RICE IS BADASS LIKE THAT!
LEAVE IT IN THE FRIDGE AND SERVE WITH FRESHLY SLICED FRUIT, THAT’S CLASSY SHIT!
White Peach-Lavender Soda
Makes about 4 to 6 servings (enough to fill a recycled 1-liter soda bottle)
1 cup water, plus more to fill the bottle
3/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 tablespoons lavender flowers
1 pound very ripe white peaches
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon champagne yeast or baker’s yeast
Need: one clean 1-liter plastic soda bottle with screw-on capBring the water to a boil in a small saucepan on the stovetop or in the microwave. Remove from heat and add the sugar and lavender flowers. Stir to dissolve to sugar. Let stand for 20 minutes to infuse the sugar water with lavender.Wash and roughly chop the peaches. It is not necessary to peel them. Strain the lavender flowers and pour the infused sugar water over the fruit. Add the lemon juice and salt, and stir to combine. Let this stand for 10 minutes to macerate the fruit.Working in batches, puree the peaches with the sugar-water in the food processor or blender. Strain the puree into a bowl, collecting as much juice as possible without forcing any solids through the strainer. You can also strain the juice through a flour sack towel or cheesecloth to yield a cleaner soda. You should end up with 1 1/2 to 2 cups concentrated fruit syrup.At this point, you could stop, refrigerate the syrup, and add it to a glass of sparkling water to taste. To naturally carbonate the soda with yeast (you intrepid brewer you!), proceed onward.Pour the juice into a clean 1-liter plastic soda bottle using a funnel (see note). Top off the bottle with water, leaving about an inch and a half of head room. Give it a taste and add more lemon juice or sugar if desired. The extra sugar will dissolve on its own.Add the yeast. Screw on the cap and shake the bottle to dissolve and distribute the yeast. Let the bottle sit at room temperature out of direct sunlight for 12 to 48 hours. Exact fermentation time will depend on the temperature in the room. Check the bottle periodically; when it feels rock-solid with very little give, it’s ready.
Refrigerate overnight or for up to 2 weeks. Open very slowly over a sink to release the pressure gradually and avoid bubble-ups.Notes:• Feel free to substitute white nectarines, yellow peaches, or yellow nectarines for the fruit in this recipe. I’m also feeling tempted to try plums. The color and flavor will be slightly different, but most definitely still very tasty.• For a stronger lavender flavor, infuse the sugar water for a longer period of time. Taste periodically and strain the sugar water when it tastes good to you. Since using more lavender can quickly make foods taste soapy, this is a safer way of amping up the flavor.• I recommend using champagne yeast over baker’s yeast whenever possible. It has a crisp and clean flavor that lets the fruit shine through, whereas baker’s yeast tends to make sodas taste yeasty. Not a terrible thing, and fine in a soda-craving pinch, but get some champagne yeast if you can. It’s sold at any homebrew supply store and online at places like Northern Brewer.• The fruit mash left after straining makes a very good afternoon snack with yogurt.• Sodas can also be bottled in glass or swing-top bottles, but it’s more difficult to tell when the sodas have fully carbonated. To do this safely, with every batch you bottle also fill one small plastic soda bottle to use as an indicator for when the sodas have finished carbonating. Refrigerate all of the bottles as soon as the plastic bottle is carbonated; never leave the glass bottles at room temperature once carbonated.