Try out a cool way to separate egg yolks from egg whites!
this is genius.
this is actually lifechanging
AND THEN YOU CAN STORE THEM!!!1
(via caspertheprince)
THEY’RE FUCKING BURNING.
BURNING OUR HEARTS OUT JESUS FUCK I CAN’T DEAL WITH THESE EMOTIONS!
DO YOU WANT TO TEAR YOUR HEART OUT AND MAKE SOME GORGEOUS FUCKING CUPCAKES? IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS AND SOB MESSILY IN A CORNER WITH THESE BAKED ALASKA CUPCAKES!
STRAWBERRY CENTERED BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK SHOULDN’T WE MAKE A SYMBOLIC BLOODY HEART TO SINK OUR TEETH INTO, UNTIL RIVERS OF RED DRIP FROM OUR WRISTS.
(YOU WILL NEED ALCOHOL FOR THIS RECIPE! POSSIBLY ADULT SUPERVISION.)
WHY DO WE DO THIS SHIT TO OURSELVES? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! FANDOM PAIN IS THE BEST AND WORST PAIN.
I’M BEING A LAZY FUCK AND USING SOME STORE BOUGHT VANILLA CUPCAKE DRY MIX.
THAT BULLSHIT REQUIRES 1 BOX OF THE MIX, 1 CUP OF YOUR FANDOM TEARS, DISTILLED UNTIL THERE IS ONLY PURE WATER, NONE OF THAT SALTY SORROW.
FIND A WINGED BEING AND HUG THEM FEIRCELY UNTIL THEY DROP 3 EGGS INTO YOUR WAITING HANDS OUT OF SHEER CONFUSION AS TO YOUR PASSIONATE EMBRACE!
VICIOUSLY PUNCH A TUB OF MILK WHILE IMAGINING A CERTAIN SOMEONE’S FACE (YOU KNOW WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT, AND HIS SCREWDRIVER WASN’T THE SONIC KIND!) UNTIL YOU OBTAIN 1/2 A CUP OF BUTTER.
MELT IT WITH YOUR FURY!
SET YOUR OVEN TO 350 DEGREES F
DUMP EVERYTHING IN A BOWL AND MIX SLOWLY, GENTLY PUSHING THE MIXTURE AROUND AND COOING SOFT REASSURANCES THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT, WE STILL HAVE SEASON 9 TO LOOK FORWARD TO. THIS SHOULD TAKE TWO MINUTES
REALIZE THAT THERE IS, IN FACT, A HIATUS, AND WHIP YOUR STIRRING ARM INTO A FRENZY! SCREAM YOUR FRUSTRATION AND ANGST INTO THE SKY AND STIR VIOLENTLY FOR ANOTHER MINUTE.
GET A CUPCAKE PAN READY WITH THE PUREST WHITE PAPER CUPS. (NO YOU MAY NOT FUCKING LEAVE THEM OUT, IT MAKES EVERYTHING NEAT AND TIDY, AND YOU BETTER SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT FOR THESE POOR BASTARDS!)
SCOOP SOME OF THAT GORGEOUS BATTER INTO THE PAPER CUPS LAYING INNOCENTLY WITHIN YOUR CUPCAKE PAN, AND EASE THEM INTO THE OVEN FOR 20 MINUTES. (PAPER CUPCAKE CUPS SHOULD ONLY BE 2/3 FULL WITH RAW BATTER)
WHEN THEY ARE BAKED PROPERLY, REMOVE THEM, ALLOW THEM TO REGAIN THEIR COMPOSURE AT ROOM TEMPERATURE, THEN KICK THEM TO A COLD LOCATION FOR REFRIGERATION. (FREEZER IS BEST, ASSHAT! YOUR CUPCAKES NEED TO BE NEARLY FUCKING FROZEN!)
WHILE YOUR CUPCAKES ARE BECOMING GRACEFUL AND BEAUTIFUL IN THE FRIDGE, GATHER 2 CUPS OF THE FRESHEST STRAWBERRIES AND SLICE THEM WITH THAT SILVER BLADE YOU KEEP ON HAND FOR ALL PROPER RITUALS.
SET THESE GORGEOUS MOTHERFUCKERS OFF TO THE SIDE, AND PREPARE YOUR BODY TO MAKE SOME MERINGUE!
YOU’LL NEED 6 EGGS, BUT ONLY THE WHITES! NONE OF THAT YELLOW SHIT IN MERINGUE, JUST THE CLEAR STUFF~
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SEPARATE OUT EGG WHITES? (FOLLOW THE LINK IT EXPLAINS SHIT)
WANT TO KILL SOME MINI MINOTAURS? YOU’LL NEED SOME TARTAR SAUCE, BUT FOR THIS RECIPE, YOU ONLY NEED 1/4 TEASPOON OF CREAM OF TARTAR.
GROW YOUR OWN SUGAR CANE FIELDS SO YOU CAN HARVEST 1/2 CUP OF SUGAR.
IN A LARGE MIXING BOWL, WORK YOUR MUSCLES BY WHIPPING THE EGG WHITES UNTIL THEY’RE FOAMY, ADD TARTAR UNTIL PEAKS START TO FORM. HOLY FUCK, RABID EGGS!
KEEP MIXING, AND GRADUALLY ADD SUGAR UNTIL THE MIXTURE STARTS TO GET STIFF AND GLOSSY.
CRANK YOUR OVEN OP TO BROIL.
NOT BOIL, ASSHOLE, BROIL. WITH AN ‘R’. THAT MEANS THE VERY TOP OF YOUR OVEN IS HOT AS A METEOR-LIKE OBJECT ROCKETING THROUGH THE STRATOSPHERE, BUT THE BOTTOM OF IT IS JUST GETTING RESIDUE HEAT LIKE A LAZY MOTHERFUCKER.
HIGHEST TEMPERATURE IT’LL GO!
REMOVE THE PAPER FROM THE OUTSIDE, THEN CARVE OUT THE FACE OF YOUR CUPCAKES. A BLADE HELPS.
SLAP A SCOOP OF STRAWBERRY OR VANILLA ICE CREAM INTO THAT DIVOT.
TOP THAT SHIT WITH THOSE BEAUTIFUL STRAWBERRIES, MAKE A FUCKING PILE WITH IT, DON’T SKIMP ON THAT MOUTHGASM POTENTIAL.
GO TO TOWN ON THAT FUCKTRUCK.
SHOVE YOUR SUGAR/EGG SHIT INTO A PLASTIC BAG AND RIP OFF A SMALL CORNER TO SQUEEZE IT THROUGH, OR USE A FROSTING BAG WITH A LARGE TIP IF YOU’RE FEELING FUCKING FANCY.
GRAB A SAUCEPAN AND GENTLY PLACE SOME BRANDY INSIDE. YOU WANT IT ON LOW HEAT, JUST WARM THAT SHIT.
SWIRL THE WHITE GOO ON TOP, THEN MERCILESSLY SHOVE THE CUPCAKES INTO THE OVEN. GIVE THIS STEP YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.
YOU JUST WANT THE MERINGUE ON TOP TO BROWN A BIT, NOT BURN!
TAKE A TABLESPOON OF YOUR WARMED BRANDY AND SPRINKLE IT OVER THE TOP OF YOUR STILL-WARM MERINGUE. .
DIM THE LIGHTS, FLICK A MATCH AND LIGHT IT ON FIRE!!!!
PROTIP - MAKE SURE THIS IS DONE WHERE THERE IS NOTHING FLAMMABLE NEARBY. KEEP A CUP OF WATER HANDY JUST IN CASE.
WAIT UNTIL THIS SHIT BURNS ITSELF OUT BEFORE CONSUMING!
BLOWING ON IT IS A BAD IDEA (FLYING FLAMING BRANDY IGNITING EVERYTHING)
WANT EXPERT-MODE?
You don’t need a party to get down on some guacamole. Put it on a salad, taco, tostada, sandwich, whatever you want. Eat it with your hands. I don’t give a flying fuck. SNACK LIFE.
GRAPEFRUIT GUACAMOLE
5 ripe avocados
2 medium grapefruits or 1 big son of a bitch
¼ cup chopped cilantro
¼ cup chopped red onion
juice of 1 lime (about 2 tablespoons)
¼ teaspoon salt
Take the pit out of the avocados and scoop out all the green flesh into a large bowl. Mash it up with fork. I like my guacamole chunky but do what you gotta do. Cut the grapefruit up into segments like you would cut an orange. Remove the peel and cut the segments into pieces about the size of a nickel. Put all the grapefruit into the bowl with the avocado. Add the cilantro, red onion, lime juice, and salt and mix it all up. Taste it and add more shit until you like it. Serve immediately or chill it for a bit. I’m not gonna tell you how to eat guacamole, just follow your fucking heart.
HOW TO COOK NOODLES
A lot of people have problems with cooking pasta, apparently.
Here are some tips:
To cook pasta properly, pasta needs a lot of water. A too-small pot and too little water encourages the pasta to clump and stick together, thus cooking unevenly.
For a pound (16 ounces) of pasta, you will want a pot that holds at least 5 or 6 quarts of water.
Crud in your water will mean crud in your pasta. Old water that’s been sitting in the pipes will have weird flavors sometimes. let your water run for a minute before putting any into your pot.
Covering the pot of cold water with a lid will help bring the water to a boil faster.
Don’t put salt or pasta into the water until AFTER it starts boiling.
Salt in the water has to do with flavors - Yes, salted water changes the boiling point, but only by a few seconds, and adding salt to cool water will actually damage the pot if you don’t rinse it out right after
Do NOT add oil of any kind. Oil has the unwanted effect of coating the pasta so the sauce will not stick to noodles. (Angel Hair pasta is the only type I relent on, with this rule.)
Add the pasta, all at once, to the boiling salted water, and keep the heat high to bring the water back to the boil as quickly as possible.
(Explanation or Science of Boiling Water: Pasta added to water before it starts to boil gets a heat start on mushiness. Pasta quickly begins to break down in tepid water as the starch dissolves. You need the intense heat of boiling water to “set” the outside of the pasta, which prevents the pasta from sticking together. That’s why the fast boil is so import)
Cook the pasta, uncovered, at a fast boil
Once you have added your pasta, DO NOT COVER THE POT WITH A LID
Stir at the beginning, but allow the pasta to sit for a minute or two between stirring after that.
Don’t rely on the package to give you the correct cooking time
Watch the cooking process of the pasta carefully. Pasta can overcook very quickly.
Pasta should be tender but still firm when you eat it, what the Italians call “al dente.” To be sure, bite into a piece of the pasta (take a piece of pasta from the pan, cut off a tiny piece, and chew it in your mouth).
Once pasta has reached the “al dente” stage, immediately turn off your gas heat or remove the pot from the heat.
Add approximately 1/2 to 1 cup COLD water to the hot water with the pasta. This will immediately lower the temperature of the water and stop the cooking.
REMEMBER - Pasta will continue to cook and soften even after it has been taken from the water, and will cook a bit from the heat and moisture of the sauce.
There should NEVER be a crunch inside your noodle - that means it’s undercooked.
Drain immediately into a large colander standing in the sink, and then pick up the colander with its contents and shake it well to remove excess water.
DO NOT RINSE unless the recipe says to do so. the starch that makes the pasta stick to itself also helps the sauce stick to the pasta. If you’re going to toss the pasta with the sauce immediately, sticking shouldn’t be a problem.
EXCEPTION: Do rinse the wide pasta, such as lasagna noodles. If you don’t, you will have a hard time separating the noodles without tearing them.
Also rinse when making a cold pasta salad. The thin coat of starch on the pasta will be sticky when cold
http://www.delallo.com/articles/pasta-101-cooking-perfect-pasta-every-time
What do you think is the most difficult food to make perfectly?
I looked up a list of ‘most difficult foods to cook perfectly and Souffles were at the top of a few lists. I read them off, aloud, expecting some nods of agreement or stories.
My dad just burst out laughing.
“I could make a gorgeous souffle with my eyes closed. Cheesecake is the hardest dessert. To make it the perfect texture, perfect taste, moisture and firmness? So that it doesn’t fall apart or leave a film in your mouth or be overwhelmed by one flavor or another… I’m so close to getting it right, but it’s not perfect yet, and I’ve been trying for years.”
So, my talented followers…… what do you think are the hardest foods to cook right?
KEEPING CELERY AND CARROTS FRESH FOR A LONG TIME
EVER BUY A THING OF CELERY OR A BAG OF CARROTS FOR A RECIPE AND THEN ONLY END UP USING LIKE, NOT NEARLY ENOUGH OF THE VEGETABLE IN QUESTION TO JUSTIFY ACTUALLY BUYING THE WHOLE THING SO THEY JUST ROT IN YOUR FRIDGE?
CUT THAT CELERY INTO 5” STICKS WITH A BADASS KNIFE AND STAND THEM ON END IN A BOWL OF WATER IN YOUR FRIDGE! CHANGE THE WATER EVERY FEW DAYS. THEY’LL STAY CRISP AS FUCK. ONCE THE TIPS START TURNING BROWN THEY’LL BE STARTING TO ROT - SO PREPARE A VIKING FUNERAL BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS GOING TO BE NASTY.
THE CARROTS YOU CAN JUST SOAK IN WATER 24 HOURS BEFORE YOU NEED THEM AND THEY’LL BE FINE FOR CONSUMPTION.
Ingredients:
CINNAMON FILLING:
4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, just melted (not boiling)
1/4 cup + 2 tablespoons packed light brown sugar
1/2 tablespoon ground cinnamonCREAM CHEESE GLAZE:
4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) unsalted butter
2-ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
3/4 cup powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extractPANCAKES:
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon canola or vegetable oilDirections:
Prepare the cinnamon filling: In a medium bowl, stir together the butter, brown sugar and cinnamon. Scoop the filling into a quart-sized heavy zip baggie and set it aside (see *Tips below).
Prepare the glaze: In a small pan, heat the butter over low heat until melted. Turn off the heat and whisk in the cream cheese until it is almost smooth. Sift the powdered sugar into the pan, stir and add in vanilla extract. Set the pan aside while you make the pancakes.
Prepare the pancake batter: In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt. Whisk in the milk, egg and oil, just until the batter is moistened (a few small lumps are fine).
Cook the pancakes: Heat a large, nonstick skillet over medium-heat and spray with nonstick spray. Use an ice cream scoop (or 1/3 cup measuring cup) to add the batter to the pan. Use the bottom of the scoop or cup to spread the batter into a circle (about 4-inches in diameter). Reduce the heat to medium low. Snip the corner of your baggie of cinnamon filling and squeeze the filling into the open corner. When your pancake begins to form bubbles, add the filling. Starting at the center of the pancake, squeeze the filling on top of the pancake batter in a swirl (just as you see in a regular cinnamon roll). Cook the pancake 2 to 3 minutes, or until the bubbles begin popping on top of the pancake and it’s golden brown on the bottom. Slide a thin, wide non-metal spatula underneath the pancake and gently but quickly flip it over. Cook an additional 2 to 3 minutes, until the other side is golden as well. When you flip the pancake onto a plate, you will see that the cinnamon filling has created a crater-swirl of cinnamon. Wipe out the pan with a paper towel, and repeat with the remaining pancake batter and cinnamon filling. Re-warm the glaze briefly, if needed. Serve pancakes topped with a drizzle of glaze.
fuckin yuuum
BALLZZZ.
o hmy fuck
sweet mercy
(via ladychimera)
MOTHERFUCKING VERSATILE ASS RISOTTO
NEED A DAMN SIDE FOR DINNER? NOTHING TO GO WITH YOUR BLOOD-DRIPPING MEAT OR YOUR HARDCORE VEGETARIAN SUBSTITUTE?
I’M HERE TO SAVE YOUR POOR ASSES.
STEP RIGHT THE FUCK UP MY METAL FRIENDS, BECAUSE WE’RE ABOUT TO MAKE A PRETTY DAMN EASY RISOTTO THAT IS THE SHIT TOGETHER WITH ANYTHING!!
YOU’RE GONNA NEED THE FOLLOWING TO MAKE THIS FUCKER:
- A
MEDIUM-SIZEDPOTGODDAMN VIKING HELMET’S WORTH OF VEGETABLE BROTH - ONE BIG ASS YELLOW ONION
- SOME FUCKING MINCED GARLIC
- A SHITLOAD OF PORTOBELLO MUSHROOMS
- SOME MOTHERFUCKING BUTTER
- A FUCKING BOX OF ARBORIO RICE
- SOME PARMESAN CHEESE - GO FOR MORE IF YOU WANT A CHEESIER TASTE FOR YOUR STRONG ASS TASTE BUDS
- TWO CUPS OF DRY WHITE WINE BREWED FROM THE TEARS YOUR ENEMIES - I RECOMMEND A FRUITY ASS WINE BUT DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT
- HERE’S A HINT - FOR EVERY 1 CUP OF RICE, YOU’LL WANT ABOUT 2 CUPS OF BROTH AND A HALF-CUP OF WINE. THIS RECIPE USES A HALF-BOX OF RICE, SO THAT’S A SHIT-TON OF FOOD
ALL RIGHT. CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF THAT ONION OF YOURS. MAKE IT FUCKING CRY FOR MERCY.
BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MUSHROOMS WITH A KNIFE BLESSED BY A CHILD DRESSED LIKE THE POPE. THEY’RE THE MAIN ATTRACTION, SO MAKE SURE THERE’S SOME FUCKING HEARTY CHUNKS IN THERE.
GRATE THE DAMN CHEESE.
HEAT UP A FRYING PAN - MEDIUM HEAT SO YOU DON’T BRING OUT TOO MUCH HELLFIRE. WE DON’T WANT THE DAMN UNIVERSE ALIGHT WITH FLAMES.
FRY UP YOUR ONION AND YOUR GARLIC UNTIL THEY SMELL REALLY FUCKING FINE. FIVE MINUTES OR SO? IDC, AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR THE ONION TO START APPEARING TRANSLUCENT.
THEN TOSS IN 3/4 OF YOUR MUSHROOMS AND FRY THAT SHIT UP FOR ABOUT SEVEN ASS-KICKING MINUTES!!
ADD A LITTLE EXTRA BUTTER TO THE PAN, THEN THROW ABOUT HALF OF YOUR FINE ASS RICE INTO THE PAN!
FRY THAT SHIT FOR A FEW MINUTES. YES, THERE IS DRY RICE IN THE PAN. CONFUSED? CALM YOUR TITS. IT’LL MAKE SENSE IN A MOMENT.
NOW SPLASH IN A BIT OF WINE AND STIR THAT MIX UP. HOLY SHIT LOOK AT YOUR MAJESTIC ASS, LOOKIN LIKE CHEF FUCKING RAMSES. REMEMBER TO USE WHITE WINE, ASSHAT.
POUR IN A LITTLE OF THAT FINE ASS VEGETABLE BROTH, TO QUELL THE GROWING RAGE WITHIN THAT PAN. .
YOU WANNA STIR COMPLETELY TO BALANCE THE FLAVORS. HEAR THAT? FLAVOR BALANCE, MOTHERFUCKERS, FEELING GOURMET YET?
ONCE ALMOST ALL THE LIQUID IS GONE FROM EVAPORATION, REPEAT THE DAMN WINE AND BROTH PROCESS.
KEEP REPEATING UNTIL YOU’RE OUT OF WINE AND BROTH!
STIR A LOT SO IT DOESN’T DECIDE THAT THIS PROCESS IS BULLSHIT AND START TO BURN~ NOTHING RUINS A NICE AFTERNOON LIKE YOUR FOOD REBELLING.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S A SHIT-TON OF BROTH AND WINE IN THE PAN!
YES, GOOD, YOU’RE OBSERVING. FANTASTIC. STIR ONE LAST TIME AND THEN ALLOW IT TO SIT. ALLOW THIS FOOD TO BELIEVE THAT IT IS SAFE FROM YOUR PASSIONATE WORDS AND TOUCHES FOR THE MOMENT.
SURPRISE! THROW IN THE REMAINING MUSHROOMS. CACKLE AT THE SHOCK YOU SEE IN YOUR FOOD’S FACE, AND CROUCH DOWN TO BE HIDDEN ONCE AGAIN. A PROPER POT DOES NOT BOIL WATCHED.
LEAVE ON THE HEAT, UNCOVERED, WHILE IT SIMMERS. THIS SHOULD EVAPORATE WATER UNTIL ALMOST ALL THE LIQUID IS GONE AGAIN, LEAVING ONLY TRIUMPHANT FLAVOR BEHIND~
NOW TOSS IN YOUR FINE-ASS CHEESE.
IF YOU WANT THIS SHIT TO BE MORE LIQUIDY, REMOVE THE PAN FROM THE FLAMES OF HELL NOW!! IF YOU DON’T, KEEP IT IN THE DEVIL’S DOMAIN FOR A LITTLE LONGER!
CONGRATS, CHAMP. YOU’VE NOW MADE SOME FINE ASS RISOTTO THAT GOES WELL WITH FUCKING ANYTHING.
ANYBODY CAN GRILL A FUCKING BURGER OR HOTDOG. Elevate your grilling game with something that simpleminded motherfuckers wouldn’t even consider. Grilling veggies is some classy shit and it only takes a few minutes. I am not talking about some played out portabella burger that tastes like a dirty sponge. Eggplant, artichokes, okra, lettuce: all that shit can be thrown on the grill and are in peak form during the spring and summer. People are guaranteed to come correct next time you invite them over. Raise the fucking bar and grill to impress.
GRILLED ROMAINE HEARTS WITH AVOCADO LIME DRESSING
2 romaine hearts, washed, trimmed, and sliced in half
1 clove of garlic, chopped up all small
2 tablespoons olive oil
a pinch of salt and pepper
Avocado Lime Dressing
1 ripe avocado
1/3 cup fresh lime juice
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 clove garlic, chopped all small
½ teaspoon agave or honey
1/4 teaspoon cumin
1/4 cup water
salt to taste
For the dressing, put all the ingredients in a small food processor or blender and combine until creamy. Add the pinch of sea salt and mix it in. If that shit looks way too thick, add more water until it looks like salad dressing. Pour it all into a small container and refrigerate until the lettuce is ready.
To grill the romaine hearts, heat the grill to a medium-low heat. As long as the grill isn’t crazy hot, you are good. While the grill heats up, mix the garlic, olive oil and salt and pepper in a little cup. Brush or spoon the oil mixture to the cut side of the lettuce. This isn’t the fucking dressing so go easy. Place the lettuce face down on the grill for 60 seconds or until there are clear grill marks and the leaves are beginning to wilt. Flip the hearts over and grill the other side for another 60 seconds. You want the leaves to look charred but not all fucking limp so pay attention. When they look good, put them on a plate and put some dressing over the hearts. Top with sliced green onions, chopped cilantro, and plenty of black pepper.
Enough for 4 people with some extra dressing
We shared this recipe with our homies over at GQ Online, go check them out.
If you could send a message with a bouquet of flowers, what would it say?
Andrew Likes to Eat
A BADASS MOTHERFUCKER THAT CLAIMS ME AS A FRIEND IS MAKING A WEBSITE DEVOTED TO HIS COOKING EXPERIENCES.
HIS HUMMUS IS ESPECIALLY RIDICULOUSLY GOOD. I CHIILLED AT HIS PLACE OF RESIDENCE AND SERIOUSLY ATE HALF THE BOWL OF HUMMUS.
PEOPLE WERE LIKE ‘FR Please pass the hummus’ AND I WAS LIKE ‘People, you need to find your own snack. This? All of this. Fucking mine, now. I claim it in the name of my face. Back the fuck off.”
MY FAVORITE FUCKING INSPIRATIONAL VIDEO, AND IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU
MOTHERFUCKING LIFE LESSONS FROM YOURS TRULY
- Disposing of a body is fairly easy, as long as you’re not squeamish.
- Body language is just as, or more important than words
- It is far more useful to say ‘I made a mistake, I’ll try to do better’ than to say ‘I’m sorry’
- If you fuck something up, try to fix it
- If you can’t fix it, make it look like you tried
- The fastest way to get chores done is to think of them like favors you’re doing for someone you love. Do the dishes so your loved one doesn’t have to.
-Alternatively, Consider doing things today as a favor to your future self, who is under a lot of strain and really fucking wishes you had just done the goddamn laundry.
- Always return something borrowed in the same or better condition than when you got it
-Failure is good, as long as you learn from your mistakes, and evolve to avoid the same failure in the future.
- Gas and Booze must always be replaced in equal or greater amounts than what you took
- You don’t have to replace food freely given, but if you’re going to help cook, you better help buy the supplies.
- ‘You suck’ and ‘No offense, but…’ should be used in a playful manner.
- If you’re going to do something crazy, go all-out. Forget embarrassment and just leap for it.
- Don’t be afraid to do crazy things. Society’s normal is fucking boring, and crazy things are easier than they seem.
- Embrace passion and stubbornness. Those traits get stuff done.
- The crumbly texture of real taco meat is made from cow cheek muscles.
- Being able to provide food for your loved ones is a badge of honor. Cooking skills are important.
- Feel free to disagree with someone’s opinion.
-Free speech does not mean freedom from consequences of what they’ve said.
-There are wonderful people with stupid ideas, and hateful people with brilliant ideas.
- People change. This is good. It is also very frightening, but trust me, it’ll be alright.
- Life is a nature hike. If you whine and wait eagerly for the end, you’ll miss the entire point of walking.
-If you’re lost, ask for help.
- If you get the chance to do something that terrifies you, do it.
- Compliment people for things you actually admire about them. If you notice they have great teeth, tell them, no matter how awkward you feel about it.
- Don’t assume that other people know how you feel. Most relationship problems are born from misunderstandings and assumptions.
-However, there are some people who actually are poisonous, and spread their misery, hate and anger. Be aware of this.
- The best way to drain a body of blood is to hang them upside down and slit their throat while they’re still alive. Gravity and a still-beating heart will do the rest.
- The most important thing in a relationship is showing that you appreciate your partner - This usually makes them feel great and they appreciate you in return. A huge loop of happiness.
- Find a food that makes you mouthgasm. Consume regularly.
-Do silly things for the hell of it.
-Learn to dance. This is important. You don’t have to be a master of tango, but pick up a style and figure out the basics. Having control over your body and being able to deliberately express emotions through body language are closely entwined.
- If someone makes you feel like you’re worthless, cut them out of your life as quickly and completely as you can.
- A hitman can be hired on the black market for ~20k.
- The anticipation of something bad is often worse than the actual event.
- Not always, though
- If you want someone to pay attention to what you’re saying, challenge their dominance. Make eye contact, stand straight, hands clasped behind you and shoulders back. Enunciate. Act like they should be deferring to you.
- The fastest way to make someone ignore you is to act and speak like your opinion isn’t important.
- Be confident in the way you present yourself, and people will assume you know what you’re doing.
- Savor your food. Eat food worth savoring.
- When in a fight, try to run away first, then dodge, then go for the soft tissue and nerves.
- Don’t fight for dominance. Dominance is achieved through words and body language.
-If it escalates to physical violence, get out of there. If you can’t get out of there, incapacitate with severe pain and try to run again. If pain does not allow an escape route, assume you are under deadly threat and respond with lethal force.
-Take a self defense class, don’t get a black belt. Learning how to react while in danger is far more useful than learning how to fight in a competition or show.
- Smaller, Slighter people - Aikido is your friend.
-Learn your local weapons laws. Take advantage of them.
-Practice random acts of kindness. Smiling, compliments, picking up something that was dropped - They’re small, but they do positively impact people’s lives.
- Don’t watch news channels, you’ll only get depressed.
- Knowing what’s going on in the world is important - That’s what the internet is for.
- Just because you made a stupid decision, doesn’t mean you are stupid. It probably felt like a good idea at the time. Now you know better.
- If you deliberately do a stupid thing, knowing it’s stupid, you deserve the consequences.
- Physical demonstrations of love and appreciation are important.
- Words of appreciation and love are important
- Set ridiculous goals, then work out some smaller goals that act as stepping stones to reach it.
-Thank anyone who helps you.
- Thank anyone who makes you feel good about yourself
- Chickens CAN run around without heads. Make sure to sever the neck, close to the body. This applies to all fowl.
- There is no one in this world exactly like you. You have changed this universe by existing. You have impacted whether someone has lived or died. You, personally, have changed the fate of humanity, by being born.
- If you’re happy, show it.
——- Do you have any life advice?
I’m posting some commencement speeches that have been given by the famous and powerful because chances are that they’ll be more useful and inspiring than the one you’ll receive in the coming days or the past few weeks.
J.K. Rowling clocks in as probably one of the most depressing things I’ve ever heard but also one of the more useful speeches I’ve seen - she speaks a powerful message of not fearing failure.
J.K. Rowling Speaks at Harvard Commencement (by HarvardMagazine)
