motherfucking recipes

HOLLA OUT TO MY VEGAN MOTHERFUCKERS

MY NEXT RECIPE WILL BE DELICIOUS AS FUCK, AND ALSO BE VEGAN-FRIENDLY, BECAUSE BITCHES NEED TO EAT.

YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SASSY SELF OVER TO A FIELD AND PERFORM SOME RITUALS, BECAUSE ONLY A PAGAN GOD CAN PROVIDE THE BEST ACORN SQUASH YOU’LL NEED FOR THIS RECIPE.
IF YOU’RE AT THE GROCERY WITH NO CROSSROAD DEMONS TO DEAL YOU THE BEST SHIT, RAP YOUR DEMON-PUNCHING KNUCKLES AGAINST THE SIDE - THE HOLLOWEST-SOUNDING SQUASH IS THE BEST, AS LONG AS THERE ARE NO NASTY-ASS BRUISES OR SQUISHY SPOTS ON THE OUTSIDE.

LUCKY YOU, THE BEST VEGAN-BRAND FAKE-ASS BUTTER WORKS IN HARMONY WITH PAGEN GODS, SO THERE’LL BE NO CLASHING OF NEGATIVE ENERGIES OR WHATEVER THE FUCK.

ONCE YOU HAVE YOUR SQUASH, CHOP THAT FUCKER IN HALF AND SCRAPE OUT ALL THE SEEDS AND WEIRD STRINGY SHIT.

SLAP A QUARTER CUP OF FAKE BUTTERY SHIT INTO EACH HALF, THEN GET YOUR DEADLY FINGERS IN THERE TO SMEAR IT ON EVERY VISIBLE GODDAMN SURFACE OF SQUASH-FLESH.

GRAB A HALF-CUP OF BROWN SUGAR AND SPRINKLE IT OVER THE BUTTER. HOLY FUCKING ANGEL BALLS THAT LOOKS TASTY.

NOW SHOVE THOSE BITCHES INTO THE MICROWAVE AND HEAT THEM FOR 6 MINUTES, TURNING THEM AT THE 4 MINUTE MARK, SO THEY CAN GET HEATED ALL THE WAY THROUGH AND TOUCHING THEM FEELS LIKE RUBBING YOUR NIPPLES AGAINST THE GATES OF HELL.

PULL ‘EM OUT AND DUMP THE SUGAR-BUTTER GOO INTO A MICROWAVE-SAFE CUP. KEEP THAT DELICIOUS SHIT, YOU’LL USE IT LATER!

CHOP EACH HALF IN HALF AGAIN, SO YOU’VE GOT SOME MOTHERFUCKING QUARTERS! SHOVE THOSE BITCHES INTO THE MICROWAVE AGAIN, WITH THE CUP OF GOO IN THERE AS WELL, AND NUKE IT ALL FOR 2 MINUTES.

WHEN THAT ANNOYING-ASS TIMER SHRIEKS INTO YOUR EAR THAT YOUR FOOD IS FUCKING DONE, YOU CAN TAKE THEM OUT AND PUT THEM ON A PLATE AND DRIZZLE THE GOO OVER IT.
TAKE SOME BROWN SUGAR AND SPRINKLE IT OVER YOUR DELICIOUS FUCKING CONCOCTION.

BETTER GET AN ADULT DIAPER READY AND A HEADS-UP TO THE LOCAL PET ADOPTION CENTER BECAUSE YOU’LL BE SHITTING KITTENS FOR A MONTH.