motherfucking recipes

INVITED YOUR PARTNER OVER FOR A SUMMER-THEMED DINNER AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO?

LISTEN UP, YOU LITTLE SHIT!
CHECK YOUR KITCHEN AND MAKE SURE YOU’VE GOT ANGEL HAIR PASTA, FRESH BASIL LEAVES, FRESH MINT LEAVES, LEMON JUICE, AN AVOCADO, OLIVE OIL, AND SOME MINCED GARLIC.
GET A POT FULL OF WATER BOILING ON THE STOVE! TEMPERATURE ON HIGH, MOTHERFUCKER!

UNSHEATHE YOUR ADAMANTIUM BONE-CLAWS AND CUT THE AVOCADO IN HALF - YOU CAN’T GET THROUGH THE PIT, IT’S BASICALLY LIKE THE HARDEST THING ON THE PLANET. CUT AROUND IT, IT’S ALL GOOD.  PUT ONE HALF IN A BAG, IN THE FRIDGE. THE SURFACE WILL BROWN A BIT, BUT THAT’S FINE.

NOW PEEL AWAY THE SKIN ON THE OUTSIDE ON THE HALF YOU’RE USING, THAT SHIT’S NOT EDIBLE.

THIS IS SOME RENAISSANCE SHIT RIGHT HERE! NOT EVEN SHITTING YOU WHEN I SAY TO GET OUT YOUR MORTAR AND PESTLE.
GRIND UP THE 1 SPOONFUL OF GARLIC AND 6 BASIL LEAVES FIRST, WHILE COMPOSING A HEAVY-METAL ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF ‘DANCING QUEEN’ IN YOUR HEAD.

THROW THE GROUND UP DELICIOUSNESS IN A BOWL, ALONG WITH A QUARTER OF THE AVOCADO.
PUNCH IT UNTIL IT’S A CHUNKY PASTE TO LET OUT ALL YOUR RAGE AT THE INJUSTICE OF THE WORLD.

ADD 1 SPOONFUL OF OLIVE OIL, 1 SPOONFUL OF LEMON JUICE AND THE OTHER QUARTER OF THE AVOCADO. REPEAT PUNCHING, OR USE THE BACK OF A SPOON IF YOUR WIMPY-ASS FISTS ARE GETTING TIRED!

IF YOU DON’T HAVE A MORTAR AND PESTLE, YOU CAN USE A GODDAMN BLENDER AND JUST SHOVE ALL OF THOSE INGREDIENTS IN, AND BLEND THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

DOES YOUR POT OF WATER LOOK LIKE IT’S AT A MAGNIFICENT BOIL? AWESOME!
GRAB A SMALLISH HANDFUL OF ANGEL-HAIR PASTA AND SHOVE THOSE PRETTY LITTLE BASTARDS IN!
READY TO GET EDUCATED? ANGEL-HAIR PASTA IS SUPER DELICATE AND MAJESTIC, SO IT NEEDS A FEW DROPS OF OLIVE OIL MIXED INTO THE BOILING WATER, SO IT DOESN’T STICK TOGETHER IN A GIANT PASTA ORGY AND COME OUT LOOKING LIKE THE STORY-LINES OF HOMESTUCK.

LEAVE THE PASTA IN THE WATER FOR 4 MINUTES, AND TEST A NOODLE TO SEE IF IT’S SLIGHTLY FIRM, BUT NOT CRUNCHY AT ALL.  THAT’S WHAT MOTHERFUCKING ‘AL DENTE’ MEANS! JESUS FUCK YOU’RE BEING GOURMET!

NOW TAKE THE FUCKING POT OFF THE STOVE AND DRAIN THAT SHIT BEFORE IT CAN OVERCOOK!

PUT YOUR PASTA IN A CLASSY BOWL AND DUMP THE AVOCADO SAUCE ON TOP. GENTLY PLACE A BASIL LEAF ON THE SIDE EDGE OF THAT LUMP OF FOOD AND, SHIT MAN, YOU JUST MADE SOME FANCY-ASS AVOCADO PASTA!

WONDERING WHAT THE MINT LEAVES ARE FOR?
TEAR UP A SINGLE LEAF AND PUT IT IN A GLASS OF LEMONADE - IT MAKES THE WHOLE MEAL FEEL LIKE SUMMER LEAPED OUT OF THE EARTH AND TOOK AN EXQUISITE SHIT ALL OVER THE TABLE.

LOOK AT YOU, YOU CLASSY FUCKER.