IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FUCKING CRACK BEANS!
THAT SHIT’S A CRYING SHAME, BECAUSE CRACK BEANS ARE NAMED FOR A GOOD GODDAMN REASON! ONCE YOU TRY A BITE, YOU CAN’T SET THAT SHIT DOWN ‘TILL IT’S GONE, AND THEN YOU GO INTO WITHDRAWAL AND HIDE IN A CLOSET WITH A KNIFE TO YOUR PILLOW’S METAPHORICAL THROAT!
YOU READY TO RISK THAT SHIT?
WELL RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT AND SCREAM AT THE HEAVENS BECAUSE THIS BULLSHIT NEEDS TO HAPPEN CORRECTLY!
GATHER UP YOUR INGREDIENTS LIKE THE WAR-HERO YOU ARE!
YOU’LL NEED GREEN BEANS, BLACK PEPPER, APPLE CIDER VINEGAR, A WHITE ONION, BACON
TAKE TWO GIANT HANDFULS OF GREEN BEANS, PICKED FRESH BY THE ELVES OF RIVENDALE. NONE OF THAT CANNED SHIT, YOU CAN TOSS THAT RIGHT IN THE NEAREST VOLCANO!
SHOVE THAT DELICIOUS SHIT IN THE POT YOU’D OTHERWISE USE FOR COOKING SMALL CHILDREN IN, ALONG WITH ENOUGH WATER TO SUBMERGE IT! COVER THAT LOVELY SHIT AND SET IT ON MEDIUM HEAT. YOU WANT THE WATER TO BOIL.
SING UNTIL THE EARTH ITSELF SPITS UP AN ONION FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION. THANK GAIA POLITELY AND CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF HALF OF  IT!


USE THE FLESH OF THE PIG YOU LAST SLAUGHTERED TO APPEASE YOUR BLOOD-THIRSTY GODS TO HARVEST SOME DELICIOUS BACON. ABOUT A CUP OF THAT GORGEOUS MEAT. 
YOU’LL ALSO NEED SOME APPLE CIDER VINEGAR! RICE OR WHITE VINEGAR WILL NOT FUCKING WORK! BALSAMIC VINEGAR MIGHT, BUT I’VE NEVER TRIED. 
NOW GET OUT THE BIGGEST FUCKING COOKING DEVICE THAT WILL FIT ATOP THE STOVE AND TURN UP THE HEAT!
TURN THAT HEAT UP UNTIL YOU START HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHEN YOU WERE CHAINED UP IN HELL AND ONLY THE RADIANT AURA OF A HOMOSEXUAL ANGEL COULD SAVE YOU! 
NOW FLING THAT BACON ON THERE AND WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FUCKING FAT-SPITS. IT’S WHEN THE BACON SCREAMS IN AGONY AND FLINGS BITS OF ITS SEARING FLESH AND BLOOD AT YOUR SKIN IN AN ATTEMPT AT RETRIBUTION!

WHEN THE GREASE IS SIZZLING ALL LIQUID GORGEOUS, TOSS YOUR ONION IN THERE, AND KEEP STIRRING, YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER! 
SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL HARMONY GOING ON? FUCKING AMAZING!


WHEN THE SUGAR INSIDE THE ONIONS STARTS TO MELT, YOU KNOW SHIT’S GOING DOWN! THE ONIONS TURN CLEAR AND A BIT BROWNISH AND THAT’S CALLED ‘CARMELIZATION’ 
MOTHER OF GOD, IT’S LIKE THE LITTLE SHIT THAT COULD MAKE YOU WEEP LIKE A CHILD IS ACTUALLY A CANDY AT HEART! WHAT THE FUCK!?
NOW TURN YOUR FOOD-SMELL-ADDLED BRAINS BACK TO THE BEANS, BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE TURNING A RICH, DARK GREEN AT THIS POINT. 
LIKE YOU THOUGHT GREEN BEANS WERE GREEN BEFORE, BUT AFTER SITTING IN SOME BOILING WATER, THEY TURN THIS RICH-ASS GREEN LIKE THEY MAY AS WELL BE FUCKING YOUR EYES WITH THE BEAUTY OF THEIR COLOR.
TAKE THOSE FUCKERS OFF THE STOVE AND DRAIN THEM!


WHEN YOU SEE THE ONIONS TURNING CLEAR, TOSS THE COOKED GREEN BEANS IN THERE, AND SCREAM YOUR DEATH METAL RENDITION OF “MISTY MOUNTAINS” AT IT UNTIL IT WRITHES AROUND AT THE SHEER MAGNIFICENCE AND STIRS ITSELF. 
TAKE THAT 1/2 CUP OF VINEGAR YOU HAD WAITING PATIENTLY AND  KISS IT SOUNDLY ACROSS THE LIPS, WHISPER SWEET SECRETS INTO ITS EARS AND THEN POUR IT SEDUCTIVELY ALL OVER THE BEANS~
WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, PUNCH SOME BLACK PEPPER AND SPRINKLE ABOUT 1 TEASPOON OF IT ALL OVER. IF YOU END UP BATHING IN THE SHARDS OF ITS SOUL, THAT’S FINE TOO!
KEEP STIRRING FOR ANOTHER 2 MINUTES OR SO, LET THAT GORGEOUS LIQUID SOAK IN, THEN SERVE YOURSELF SOME DELICIOUS BEANS!


BUT WAIT! YOU COULD SAY, ACTING CONFUSED AS A SCORPION IN A DISHWASHER.. I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING CRACK BEANS!
WELL LISTEN UP, YOU CLEVER FUCK! LIKE CHILI AND SANGRIA, THIS SHIT DOESN’T REACH PEAK ‘AWESOME’ UNTIL AFTER A DAY IN THE FRIDGE, WALLOWING IN ITS OWN GODDAMN PERFECTION. 
SO EAT A HELPING OF THE DELICIOUS-AS-HOLY-JESUS-FUCK BEANS, AND SAVE THE LEFTOVERS FOR TOMORROW, WHEN YOU CAN MICROWAVE THEM AND FIND THE TRUE MAJESTY OF 'CRACK BEANS'
(VEGAN MOTHERFUCKERS CAN USE THEIR WEIRD FAKE-BACON IT TASTES FINE IN THIS)

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FUCKING CRACK BEANS!

THAT SHIT’S A CRYING SHAME, BECAUSE CRACK BEANS ARE NAMED FOR A GOOD GODDAMN REASON! ONCE YOU TRY A BITE, YOU CAN’T SET THAT SHIT DOWN ‘TILL IT’S GONE, AND THEN YOU GO INTO WITHDRAWAL AND HIDE IN A CLOSET WITH A KNIFE TO YOUR PILLOW’S METAPHORICAL THROAT!

YOU READY TO RISK THAT SHIT?

WELL RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT AND SCREAM AT THE HEAVENS BECAUSE THIS BULLSHIT NEEDS TO HAPPEN CORRECTLY!

GATHER UP YOUR INGREDIENTS LIKE THE WAR-HERO YOU ARE!

YOU’LL NEED GREEN BEANS, BLACK PEPPER, APPLE CIDER VINEGAR, A WHITE ONION, BACON

TAKE TWO GIANT HANDFULS OF GREEN BEANS, PICKED FRESH BY THE ELVES OF RIVENDALE. NONE OF THAT CANNED SHIT, YOU CAN TOSS THAT RIGHT IN THE NEAREST VOLCANO!

SHOVE THAT DELICIOUS SHIT IN THE POT YOU’D OTHERWISE USE FOR COOKING SMALL CHILDREN IN, ALONG WITH ENOUGH WATER TO SUBMERGE IT! COVER THAT LOVELY SHIT AND SET IT ON MEDIUM HEAT. YOU WANT THE WATER TO BOIL.

SING UNTIL THE EARTH ITSELF SPITS UP AN ONION FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION. THANK GAIA POLITELY AND CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF HALF OF  IT!

image

USE THE FLESH OF THE PIG YOU LAST SLAUGHTERED TO APPEASE YOUR BLOOD-THIRSTY GODS TO HARVEST SOME DELICIOUS BACON. ABOUT A CUP OF THAT GORGEOUS MEAT. 

YOU’LL ALSO NEED SOME APPLE CIDER VINEGAR! RICE OR WHITE VINEGAR WILL NOT FUCKING WORK! BALSAMIC VINEGAR MIGHT, BUT I’VE NEVER TRIED. 

NOW GET OUT THE BIGGEST FUCKING COOKING DEVICE THAT WILL FIT ATOP THE STOVE AND TURN UP THE HEAT!

TURN THAT HEAT UP UNTIL YOU START HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHEN YOU WERE CHAINED UP IN HELL AND ONLY THE RADIANT AURA OF A HOMOSEXUAL ANGEL COULD SAVE YOU! 

NOW FLING THAT BACON ON THERE AND WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FUCKING FAT-SPITS. IT’S WHEN THE BACON SCREAMS IN AGONY AND FLINGS BITS OF ITS SEARING FLESH AND BLOOD AT YOUR SKIN IN AN ATTEMPT AT RETRIBUTION!

image

WHEN THE GREASE IS SIZZLING ALL LIQUID GORGEOUS, TOSS YOUR ONION IN THERE, AND KEEP STIRRING, YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER! 

SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL HARMONY GOING ON? FUCKING AMAZING!

image

WHEN THE SUGAR INSIDE THE ONIONS STARTS TO MELT, YOU KNOW SHIT’S GOING DOWN! THE ONIONS TURN CLEAR AND A BIT BROWNISH AND THAT’S CALLED ‘CARMELIZATION’ 

MOTHER OF GOD, IT’S LIKE THE LITTLE SHIT THAT COULD MAKE YOU WEEP LIKE A CHILD IS ACTUALLY A CANDY AT HEART! WHAT THE FUCK!?

NOW TURN YOUR FOOD-SMELL-ADDLED BRAINS BACK TO THE BEANS, BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE TURNING A RICH, DARK GREEN AT THIS POINT. 

LIKE YOU THOUGHT GREEN BEANS WERE GREEN BEFORE, BUT AFTER SITTING IN SOME BOILING WATER, THEY TURN THIS RICH-ASS GREEN LIKE THEY MAY AS WELL BE FUCKING YOUR EYES WITH THE BEAUTY OF THEIR COLOR.

TAKE THOSE FUCKERS OFF THE STOVE AND DRAIN THEM!

image

WHEN YOU SEE THE ONIONS TURNING CLEAR, TOSS THE COOKED GREEN BEANS IN THERE, AND SCREAM YOUR DEATH METAL RENDITION OF “MISTY MOUNTAINS” AT IT UNTIL IT WRITHES AROUND AT THE SHEER MAGNIFICENCE AND STIRS ITSELF. 

TAKE THAT 1/2 CUP OF VINEGAR YOU HAD WAITING PATIENTLY AND  KISS IT SOUNDLY ACROSS THE LIPS, WHISPER SWEET SECRETS INTO ITS EARS AND THEN POUR IT SEDUCTIVELY ALL OVER THE BEANS~

WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, PUNCH SOME BLACK PEPPER AND SPRINKLE ABOUT 1 TEASPOON OF IT ALL OVER. IF YOU END UP BATHING IN THE SHARDS OF ITS SOUL, THAT’S FINE TOO!

KEEP STIRRING FOR ANOTHER 2 MINUTES OR SO, LET THAT GORGEOUS LIQUID SOAK IN, THEN SERVE YOURSELF SOME DELICIOUS BEANS!

image

BUT WAIT! YOU COULD SAY, ACTING CONFUSED AS A SCORPION IN A DISHWASHER.. I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING CRACK BEANS!

WELL LISTEN UP, YOU CLEVER FUCK! LIKE CHILI AND SANGRIA, THIS SHIT DOESN’T REACH PEAK ‘AWESOME’ UNTIL AFTER A DAY IN THE FRIDGE, WALLOWING IN ITS OWN GODDAMN PERFECTION. 

SO EAT A HELPING OF THE DELICIOUS-AS-HOLY-JESUS-FUCK BEANS, AND SAVE THE LEFTOVERS FOR TOMORROW, WHEN YOU CAN MICROWAVE THEM AND FIND THE TRUE MAJESTY OF 'CRACK BEANS'


(VEGAN MOTHERFUCKERS CAN USE THEIR WEIRD FAKE-BACON IT TASTES FINE IN THIS)

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    #1: sounds delicious #2: I have never heard anyone this excited about beans #3: death metal rendition of Misty Mountains
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    "Cooking With Karkat"
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You asshats are talented and majestic warriors, and don't you ever forget it. Conquer the world. You have the potential.

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