motherfucking recipes

ARE YOU A GLUTEN-FREE, VEGAN MOTHERFUCKER?

IF YOU SAID NO, YOU BETTER SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN ANYWAY, BECAUSE DIETARY RESTRICTIONS DON’T MEAN SHIT WHEN YOU WANT TO PUT DELICIOUS SUBSTANCES IN YOUR FACE!

WE’RE GOING TO MAKE SOME GLORIOUS COCONUT RICE!

SHIT, THIS BULLSHIT IS SO GOOD I HAD TO SCRUB MY GREY MATTER WITH STEEL WOOL, BECAUSE I WITNESSED AN OLDER COUPLE EXPERIENCING ORGASM AFTER INGESTING IT!

I’LL BE DOING THIS THE STOVETOP WAY, BUT IF YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE A RICE COOKER, YOU CAN THROW IT IN THERE AND JUST HIT ‘COOK’

YOU BETTER GET SOME PERSONAL TRAINERS READY, BECAUSE YOU’LL NEED TO BE ABLE TO TRIPLE-BACK-HANDSPRING INTO A FULL SPLITS IF YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO HARNESS THE PURE MAJESTY OF 1 AND ½ CUPS UNCOOKED JASMINE RICE!

PLAIN WHITE RICE WORKS FINE. BROWN RICE IS NOT FINE!

GRAB A 14oz CAN OF COCONUT MILK - OR MAYBE JUST LASSO A COCONUT AND MILK ITS DEADLY FANGS FOR THE JUICE YOU REQUIRE FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL DISH!

PUNCH A LAKE UNTIL IT GIVES YOU 1 AND ¼ CUPS OF THE PUREST AND MOST SANITARY WATER IT POSSESSES!

DON’T HAVE YOUR OWN SUGAR CANE FIELDS TO PILLAGE FOR 1 TEASPOON OF SUGAR? NEITHER DO I! YOU STILL NEED IT, THOUGH!

THROW ALL THIS BULLSHIT INTO A POT (OR RICE COOKER) AND CRANK THAT FUCKING HEAT UP UNTIL YOU SEE IT BOILING! FEELS GOOD, DOESN’T IT? WATCHING SOMETHING EXPERIENCE THE SAME EMOTIONAL PAIN AS YOU DID, WATCHING A CERTAIN ASSHOLE TORTURE HEAVEN’S MOST ADORABLE ANGEL!

THIS ASSHOLE IS A VIOLATE MOTHERFUCKER, SO WHEN YOU SEE IT LEAPING AROUND IN A GOOD BOIL, THEN YOU NEED TO TURN THAT HEAT BACK THE FUCK DOWN. SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT, MAN! COVER THE POT AND LET IT SIT THERE ON LOW HEAT FOR 15 - 20 MINUTES, UNTIL THE RICE IS TENDER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S TENDER?

YOU TAKE SOME OUT OF THE POT AND PUT IT IN YOUR IDIOT MOUTH, THAT’S HOW!

ONCE IT’S REACHED THAT POINT, STIR IT UP AND TAKE IT OFF THE HEAT, BECAUSE THAT BEAUTIFUL BABY IS DONE!

CONGRATS, ASSHOLE, YOU JUST MADE SOME COCONUT RICE!

WHAT CAN YOU USE IT FOR?

EAT IT, MOTHERFUCKER!

SIDE DISH FOR FUCKING ANYTHING, RICE IS BADASS LIKE THAT!

LEAVE IT IN THE FRIDGE AND SERVE WITH FRESHLY SLICED FRUIT, THAT’S CLASSY SHIT!