motherfucking recipes

GODDAMN DELICIOUS HAYSTACKS

IF YOU LOVE ALMOND JOYS OR MOUNDS, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, ‘CAUSE WE’RE GONNA MAKE A FREAKING AWESOME DESSERT EQUIVALENT.

FIRST, RAID YOUR PANTRY OR THE STORE OR WHEREVER AND GET AS MUCH SHREDDED COCONUT AS YOU WANT HAYSTACKS.

WHILE ON YOUR RAID, GET AS MUCH MOTHERFUCKING SEMISWEET CHOCOLATE AS YOU GOT COCONUT. FUCK, YOU CAN TRY WHITE CHOCOLATE FOR ALL I CARE!

NOW SCARE YOUR COOKING SUPPLIES IN ORDER AND GET A COOKIE TRAY, WAX OR PARCHMENT PAPER, A SAUCEPAN, A MEDIUM-TO-LARGE  SPOON, AND A MIXING BOWL.

HEAT YOUR OVEN TO 350°F. TAKE THAT COCONUT AND SPREAD IT ON THE BARE COOKIE SHEET LIKE THE INTERNAL ORGANS OF YOUR ENEMIES.

TOAST THAT COCONUT UNTIL IT’S STARTING TO TURN A GORGEOUS LIGHT BROWN. THIS USUALLY TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES, BUT YOU GOTTA WATCH THE MOTHERFUCKERS OR THEY’LL BURN ON YOUR ASS. NOBODY LIKES BURNT COCONUT FOR DESSERT.

AFTER YOU TAKE THAT SWEET TOASTED COCONUT OUT OF THE OVEN, PUT IT IN THE MIXING BOWL. PUT THE CHOCOLATE IN THE SAUCEPAN AND PUT IT OVER MEDIUM-LOW HEAT. NO NEED TO STIR UNTIL IT STARTS TO MELT.

THEN START STIRRING FREQUENTLY. THE MORE THAT GODDAMN DELICIOUS GIFT OF IXCACAO MELTS, THE MORE YOU NEED TO STIR. WHEN IT’S ALL MELTED, POUR AND SCRAPE THAT SHIT INTO THE MIXING BOWL.

MIX LIKE A CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER WHILE HUMMING A METAL VERSION OF RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES.

USE THAT SPOON TO DROP HAYSTACKS ONTO A WAX PAPER-COATED COOKIE SHEET. STICK THAT COOKIE SHEET INTO THE FRIDGE UNTIL THE CHOCOLATE IS SOLID AGAIN. MAKE SURE YOUR OVEN IS OFF AND ENSURE YOUR COOKING SHIT IS CLEAN.

ENJOY YOUR MAGICAL CREATIONS OF COCONUT HAYSTACKS AFTER A MOST EXCELLENT DAY OF CONQUERING LIFE.