BRAIDED SPAGHETTI BREAD

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YOU CLASSY-ASS DRAGON SLAYING MOTHERFUCKERS WANT A REAL TREAT? THEN SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE AMBROSIA OF THE GODS CALLED MOTHERFUCKING BRAIDED SPAGHETTI BREAD. CONQUER YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE AND GRAB YOURSELF:

  • A 1-POUND LOAF OF BREAD DOUGH. FRENCH BREAD IS THE CLASSIEST WAY TO BE
  • ABOUT 6 OZ OF COOKED SPAGHETTI OR HOWEVER THE FUCK MUCH YOUR FINE ASS WANTS TO MAKE
  • A JAR OF THE SPAGHETTI SAUCE OF YOUR CHOICE
  • A BRICK OF SOME OF THAT MOZZARELLA CHEESE SHIT
  • BUTTER MELTED IN THE FIRES OF MORDOR
  • PARMESAN, ITALIAN SEASONING, AND WHATEVER ELSE YOUR BADASS SELF WANTS
  • SOME ITALIAN SAUSAGE OR OTHER DELICIOUS MEAT OF YOUR CHOOSING, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE A METAL BADASS

FIRST, GRAB YOURSELF A ROLL OF THAT PARCHMENT PAPER SHIT AND RIP OFF A PIECE ABOUT THE SIZE OF A COOKIE SHEET. TAKE THAT SWEET-ASS LUMP OF BREAD DOUGH AND BEAT THAT MOTHERFUCKER INTO SUBMISSION UNTIL IT TURNS ITSELF INTO A 12X16-INCH RECTANGLE. YOU CLASSY BITCHES DON’T HAVE TO BE EXACT BUT GET CLOSE ENOUGH. COVER WITH PLASTIC AND LET THAT FUCKER REST FOR 10 OR 15 MINUTES.

WHILE YOUR BUSY SITTING AROUND ON YOUR ASS THINKING ABOUT ALL THE DEMONS YOU COULD BE SLAYING, GRAB YOURSELF A POT OF WATER AND BOIL THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FIRES OF HELL. COOK YOUR DAMN SPAGHETTI. I SUGGEST MAKING MORE THAN ENOUGH BECAUSE, FUCK, WHO DOESN’T LOVE TASTY-ASS LEFTOVERS?

ONCE YOUR SPAGHETTI HAS BEEN BOILED TO DEATH BY SCALDING WATER, DRAIN IT AND MIX IT UP WITH SOME OF THAT SWEET BLOOD OF TOMATOES SPAGHETTI SAUCE.

COAT THOSE NOODLY MOTHERFUCKERS WITH THE SEASONED BLOOD OF THEIR ENEMIES. THEN, TAKE THOSE HARDCORE SPAGHETTI AND THROW THOSE FUCKERS DOWN IN A 4-INCH STRIP DOWN THE CENTER OF YOUR SWEET-ASS PULVERIZED BREAD DOUGH.

GET THE REST OF THOSE LIQUEFIED TOMATOES AND POUR ON HOWEVER MUCH YOUR CLASSY-ASS DESIRES. LASTLY, TOP OFF THAT MOTHERFUCKING PILE OF SAUCY GLORY WITH PLENTY OF GRATED OR CUBED MOZZARELLA CHEESE.

DEPENDING ON YOUR PERSONAL FUCKING PREFERENCE, YOU CAN COOK UP SOME OF THAT SWEET-ASS ITALIAN SAUSAGE OR OTHER MEAT AND STIR THAT IN WITH YOUR SPAGHETTI AND TOMATO BLOOD SAUCE. THAT’S METAL AS FUCK.

HERE COMES THE TRICKY PART SO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION YOU SASSY MOTHERFUCKERS. LET’S BRAID THIS SHIT UP.

PULL OUT YOUR DEMON KILLING KNIFE AND WIELD THAT FUCKER BRAVELY. STAB CUTS INTO YOUR SUBMISSIVE BREAD DOUGH EVERY 1 ½ INCHES ON THE LONG SIDES OF THE DOUGH. PLUNGE YOUR KNIFE IN ABOUT ½ INCH FROM THAT DELICIOUS-ASS FILLING AND CUT ALL THE WAY TO THE OUTER EDGE OF THE DOUGH, LIKE YOUR DISEMBOWELING A FUCKING HELL HOUND OR SOME SHIT.

SINCE YOU CLASSY-ASS BITCHES MAY NEED A REFERENCE, HERE’S A MOTHERFUCKING PHOTO OF THIS PROCESS I FOUND ON GOOGLE:

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 SHEATHE YOUR KNIFE BACK IN YOUR THIGH STRAP OR WHEREVER YOU KEEP THAT SHIT. START BRAIDING THE BREAD LIKE YOU WOULD BRAID YOUR CHEST HAIR IF YOU HAD ANY. FOLD THE TOP AND BOTTOM STRIPS IN TOWARDS THE FILLING AND THEN BRAID THOSE OTHER FUCKERS, LEFT OVER RIGHT AND THEN RIGHT OVER LEFT. FINISH THAT SHIT OFF BY PULLING THE LAST STRIP OVER AND TUCKING IT UNDER THE BREAD.

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CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST BRAIDED SOME MOTHERFUCKING BREAD. PUT THAT SHIT ON A RESUME.

BEING CAREFUL NOT TO DROP THAT GLORIOUS LOG OF SPAGHETTI BREAD DELICIOUSNESS, TRANSFER YOUR DAMN PARCHMENT PAPER ONTO A BAKING SHEET. PULL OUT THAT BUTTER YOU MELTED IN THE FIRES OF MORDOR AND GET A BRUSH AND BRUSH THAT BUTTER ONTO THE BRAIDS LIKE YOU’RE MOTHERFUCKING PICASSO. LASTLY, PULL OUT YOUR PARMESAN CHEESE, ITALIAN SEASONING, AND WHATEVER OTHER GLORIOUS SHIT YOU WANT TO PUT ON THERE AND SPRINKLE IT LIKE HOLY WATER ON A DEMON.

THROW THAT SHIT IN THE OVEN AT 350 DEGREES AND BUSY YOURSELF SLAYING DRAGONS FOR 30-35 MINUTES, OR UNTIL IT STARTS TURNING THE GOLDEN-BROWN OF PERFECTION.

PULL THAT SHIT OUT, LET IT SIT FOR A COUPLE MINUTES, AND THEN WHIP OUT YOUR KNIFE AGAIN AND SLICE THAT TASTY-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.

IF YOU’RE METAL JUST SHOVE THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING IN YOUR MOUTH BUT OTHERWISE IT CAN PROVIDE SUSTENANCE FOR 3 OR 4 NORMAL CLASSY BITCHES.

AND THAT’S IT. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE DELICIOUS PERFECTION THAT IS MOTHERFUCKING BRAIDED SPAGHETTI BREAD.

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You asshats are talented and majestic warriors, and don't you ever forget it. Conquer the world. You have the potential.

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