Motherfucking Meatloaf!

Whip up some meatloaf like the alligator wrestling badass you are! Impress the peasants with a homecooked classic.


Now, go tame a wild emu and ride him into town to acquire yourself the following: One pound of ground beef, and not that pansy ass health-conscious lean shit, either. I’m talkin 80-20. Beef fat is the shit dreams are made of, and in addition to that it will keep your loaf of meat from ending up dry as a fart.

If you happen to be a fucking mountain man or some shit like that, you can use some ground venison instead of beef. But again, that shit needs fat added to it. The holy grail of meat, bacon, works fucking marvelous.

Punch a chicken in the ass until it shits you out one glorious egg.

B&E the old lady down the street and snag some bread crumbs and Worcestershire sauce.

If you don’t have salt, pepper and ketchup in your castle, climb up the turret, throw yourself into the moat, and end this shit right here. Heck, maybe you want to toss in some garlic powder or half a chopped onion?

Sprout some wings and fly your bitchin’ ass home with your haul.

Preheat your oven to 350°F with the fires of hades, provided by Satan himself. 

Mix all that shit up, but before you do that, grease a fucking loaf pan. You don’t want to be digging around your kitchen with the blood of your enemies all over your hands.


Now shit gets real, you majestic fucker. We don’t use stupid shit like measuring spoons. You’re a beautiful, intelligent creature and you can handle this fuckery. Just don’t go balls deep with the salt and pepper okay? The peasants can add more after your bangin’ loaf of meat has crawled out of Satans oven.

Combine meat, egg, a few shakes of worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper, maybe garlic powder in the hollow skull of the fuck that betrayed you. Mix that shit up with your bare hands, adding breadcrumbs and onion bits until its reached a nice fucking consistency. Use your powers of intimidation to get the meat mixture to launch itself in the loaf pan. Slather that shit in ketchup, and demand it relocates itself into the oven to meet a fiery death.

You’ve got an hour to yourself. Shotgun a few dozen beers and whip up a motherfuckin tasty side dish. Mashed potatoes or mac and cheese, I don’t give a flying fuck, that’s up to you.

When its done, slice that shit with your broadsword like William Wallace, and throw it on a plate with your side dish. Now eat, you sexy bitch!

Use any leftovers to make a sandwich and take that tasty fucker to work with you the next day. Laying prone on a rooftop with a sniper rifle, waiting for the kill shot can be exhausting. Salt and pepper okay? The peasants can add more after your bangin’ loaf of meat has crawled out of Satans ass.

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You asshats are talented and majestic warriors, and don't you ever forget it. Conquer the world. You have the potential.

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