READY FOR SOME VEGGIE FRIED RICE? 
NO YOU FUCKING AREN’T, DON’T BE AN IDIOT, BUT MAYBE YOU CAN PREPARE SOME TO FEED TO YOUR CLASSY-ASS FRIENDS!
LOOK AT YOUR MIRROR
NOW BACK TO ME
NOW BACK TO YOUR MIRROR
NOW BACK TO ME
SADLY,YOU’RE NOT ME, BUT IF YOU STOPPED BEING A COWARD ABOUT FOOD AND STARTED BEING FUCKING METAL, YOU COULD BE LIKE ME. 

WHAT’S THIS IN YOUR HAND?
IT’S RICE, WHICH YOU HARVESTED FROM THE PADDIES, EACH GRAIN SELECTED WITH TWEEZERS MADE FROM THE BONES OF A HUMMINGBIRD. 
LOOK TO YOUR KITCHEN - IS THERE A PAN WITH WATER READY? IF NOT, YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS INTO GEAR, BECAUSE YOU NEED TO SHOVE 1 CUP OF RICE WITH 2 CUPS OF WATER, AND BOIL THAT SHIT!
IF YOU’RE A LAZY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN JUST USE A RICE COOKER. 
 
IF YOU WANT A BUTTERY FLAVOR, SLAP A TABLESPOON OF BUTTER INTO THAT POTENTIAL BEAUTY. 
 
IF YOU’RE A SUPER-CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER WITH A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR HANDS, YOU CAN TAKE 10 MINUTES OR SO TO RINSE OFF YOUR RICE BEFORE COOKING IT. SHOVE IT IN A BOWL AND RUN WATER OVER IT, AND SCRUB AT IT UNTIL THE WATER RUNS MOSTLY CLEAR. 
THAT BULLSHIT MAKES RICE STICKIER, AND KICKS ALL THE STARCH DUST IN THE FACE!
 
JOIN YOUR MANSERVANT IN THE GARDEN TO COLLECT ¼ CUP ZUCCINI, ¼ CUP CHERRY TOMATOES AND THE UNBORN EMBRYO OF ONE CHICKEN. THAT MEANS AN EGG, OBLIVIOUS ASSHOLE. 
YOU’LL ALSO NEED TO FLING YOURSELF INTO THE FUTURE. (USE OF A POLICE BOX IS, OF COURSE, OPTIONAL. IF YOU’RE AN ANGEL WITH THE POWER TO FLY THERE YOURSELF, FEEL FREE TO ABUSE THOSE POWERS)

ONCE YOU’VE ARRIVED IN THE FUTURE (OR THE CURRENT PRESENT) YOU CAN OBTAIN ONE CAN OF BLACK BEANS. DRAIN AND RINSE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS AND SET THEM ASIDE FOR LATER. 
STARE AT A PILE OF VEGETABLES UNTIL THEY SHRIEK WITH FEAR AND CRY ⅛ CUP OF VEGETABLE BROTH FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION. 
RUDELY SHOVE THE DICED ZUCCHINI, HALVED TOMATOES AND BEANS INTO A SAUCEPAN, ON HOLY-FUCKING HIGH FOR A SINGLE MINUTE.
 

POWER-DRIVE THE COOKED RICE INTO THE PAN, AND MIX IT ALL TOGETHER FOR ANOTHER MINUTE. 
 
SPOUT YOUR DEEPEST, DARKEST FEARS AT THE BROTH UNTIL IT AGREES TO MERGE WITH THE VEGETABLES IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. MAKE SURE IT APOLOGIZES ESPECIALLY HARD FOR ALLOWING YOU TO WATCH THE REICHENBACH FALL WITHOUT BEING READY TO DOLE OUT HUGS. 
 
STIR EVERY 30 SECONDS OR SO, FOR 5-7 MINUTES. 
DONT LET THAT BULLSHIT BURN. 
 
PUSH ALL THAT VEGGIE GOODNESS TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE PAN, CARVING A HOLE IN THE CENTER OF YOUR CREATION LARGER THAN THE HOLE IN JOHN WATSON’S HEART. GRIND IN SOME BLACK PEPPER FOR GOOD MEASURE.
 
CRACK THE EGG INTO THAT SPOT, THEN ATTACK IT WITH YOUR SPOON/SPATULA UNTIL IT IS SCRAMBLED AND COOKED. THAT’LL TAKE ABOUT 3 MINUTES. 
MIX IT ALL TOGETHER, AND SERVE WITH SOME CHEESE FLUNG ON TOP, AND A SMIRK ON YOUR FACE. 

IF YOU’RE A VEGAN MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON’T HAVE TO USE THE EGG OR CHEESE. MAYBE TOFU AND VEGGIE CHEESE INSTEAD?
YOU CAN ALSO ADD A CAN OF DRAINED MIXED VEGGIES ALONGSIDE THE BEANS, BUT YOU’LL NEED TO COOK FOR ANOTHER 2 MINUTES LONGER AT THAT STEP. 
GOOD JOB, YOU MAJESTIC ASSHOLE, YOU JUST MADE SOME VEGGIE FRIED RICE.

READY FOR SOME VEGGIE FRIED RICE?

NO YOU FUCKING AREN’T, DON’T BE AN IDIOT, BUT MAYBE YOU CAN PREPARE SOME TO FEED TO YOUR CLASSY-ASS FRIENDS!

LOOK AT YOUR MIRROR

NOW BACK TO ME

NOW BACK TO YOUR MIRROR

NOW BACK TO ME

SADLY,YOU’RE NOT ME, BUT IF YOU STOPPED BEING A COWARD ABOUT FOOD AND STARTED BEING FUCKING METAL, YOU COULD BE LIKE ME.

WHAT’S THIS IN YOUR HAND?

IT’S RICE, WHICH YOU HARVESTED FROM THE PADDIES, EACH GRAIN SELECTED WITH TWEEZERS MADE FROM THE BONES OF A HUMMINGBIRD.

LOOK TO YOUR KITCHEN - IS THERE A PAN WITH WATER READY? IF NOT, YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS INTO GEAR, BECAUSE YOU NEED TO SHOVE 1 CUP OF RICE WITH 2 CUPS OF WATER, AND BOIL THAT SHIT!

IF YOU’RE A LAZY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN JUST USE A RICE COOKER.

 

IF YOU WANT A BUTTERY FLAVOR, SLAP A TABLESPOON OF BUTTER INTO THAT POTENTIAL BEAUTY.

 

IF YOU’RE A SUPER-CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER WITH A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR HANDS, YOU CAN TAKE 10 MINUTES OR SO TO RINSE OFF YOUR RICE BEFORE COOKING IT. SHOVE IT IN A BOWL AND RUN WATER OVER IT, AND SCRUB AT IT UNTIL THE WATER RUNS MOSTLY CLEAR.

THAT BULLSHIT MAKES RICE STICKIER, AND KICKS ALL THE STARCH DUST IN THE FACE!

 

JOIN YOUR MANSERVANT IN THE GARDEN TO COLLECT ¼ CUP ZUCCINI, ¼ CUP CHERRY TOMATOES AND THE UNBORN EMBRYO OF ONE CHICKEN. THAT MEANS AN EGG, OBLIVIOUS ASSHOLE.

YOU’LL ALSO NEED TO FLING YOURSELF INTO THE FUTURE. (USE OF A POLICE BOX IS, OF COURSE, OPTIONAL. IF YOU’RE AN ANGEL WITH THE POWER TO FLY THERE YOURSELF, FEEL FREE TO ABUSE THOSE POWERS)

ONCE YOU’VE ARRIVED IN THE FUTURE (OR THE CURRENT PRESENT) YOU CAN OBTAIN ONE CAN OF BLACK BEANS. DRAIN AND RINSE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS AND SET THEM ASIDE FOR LATER.

STARE AT A PILE OF VEGETABLES UNTIL THEY SHRIEK WITH FEAR AND CRY ⅛ CUP OF VEGETABLE BROTH FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION.

RUDELY SHOVE THE DICED ZUCCHINI, HALVED TOMATOES AND BEANS INTO A SAUCEPAN, ON HOLY-FUCKING HIGH FOR A SINGLE MINUTE.

image

POWER-DRIVE THE COOKED RICE INTO THE PAN, AND MIX IT ALL TOGETHER FOR ANOTHER MINUTE.

 

SPOUT YOUR DEEPEST, DARKEST FEARS AT THE BROTH UNTIL IT AGREES TO MERGE WITH THE VEGETABLES IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. MAKE SURE IT APOLOGIZES ESPECIALLY HARD FOR ALLOWING YOU TO WATCH THE REICHENBACH FALL WITHOUT BEING READY TO DOLE OUT HUGS.

 

STIR EVERY 30 SECONDS OR SO, FOR 5-7 MINUTES.

DONT LET THAT BULLSHIT BURN.

 

PUSH ALL THAT VEGGIE GOODNESS TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE PAN, CARVING A HOLE IN THE CENTER OF YOUR CREATION LARGER THAN THE HOLE IN JOHN WATSON’S HEART. GRIND IN SOME BLACK PEPPER FOR GOOD MEASURE.

 

CRACK THE EGG INTO THAT SPOT, THEN ATTACK IT WITH YOUR SPOON/SPATULA UNTIL IT IS SCRAMBLED AND COOKED. THAT’LL TAKE ABOUT 3 MINUTES.

MIX IT ALL TOGETHER, AND SERVE WITH SOME CHEESE FLUNG ON TOP, AND A SMIRK ON YOUR FACE.

IF YOU’RE A VEGAN MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON’T HAVE TO USE THE EGG OR CHEESE. MAYBE TOFU AND VEGGIE CHEESE INSTEAD?

YOU CAN ALSO ADD A CAN OF DRAINED MIXED VEGGIES ALONGSIDE THE BEANS, BUT YOU’LL NEED TO COOK FOR ANOTHER 2 MINUTES LONGER AT THAT STEP.



GOOD JOB, YOU MAJESTIC ASSHOLE, YOU JUST MADE SOME VEGGIE FRIED RICE.

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    I love the delivery of this. Awesome meal.
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    Omg win
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