HOW TO FUCKING MAKE A FINE-ASS CUP OF TEA

image

LISTEN UP ALL YOU PANSY MOTHERFUCKING TEA DRINKERS. TEA IS A FINE-ASS LADY, AND DESERVED TO BE FUCKED GENTLY AND SLOWLY, NOT FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION.

YOU FUCKING MICROWAVE YOUR WATER? BULLSHIT.

SHITTY TEABAG USER? DOUBLE BULLSHIT.

BEFORE YOU START FUCKING UP EVEN MORE, LETS TALK ABOUT THE BILLION FUCKING KINDS OF TEA THERE ARE ACTUALLY, THERE ARE ONLY FUCKING KINDS THAT I’M GOING TO BOTHER WITH, AND TWO OF THEM ARE FUCKING TISANES, WHICH DAMN WELL ISN’T FUCKING TEA. image

BLACK TEA IS YOUR MOTHERFUCKING STRONGEST TEA. A GOOD MOTHERFUCKING CUP OF STRONG BLACK TEA IS ABOUT THE SAME AS A FUCKING EXPRESSO SHOT. IT ALSO LASTS THE LONGEST, SO THAT SHIT CAN SIT ON YOUR SHELF FOREVER. THEY USED TO MAKE FUCKING BRICKS OF IT AS MOTHERFUCKING MONEY.

GREEN TEA IS FUCKING TASTY, AND HAS ALL SORTS OF FUCKING HEALTH BENEFITS, IF YOU’RE INTO THAT KIND OF SHIT.

WHITE TEA IS FUCKING GENTLE, AND A BITCH TO BREW PROPERLY. TEA FUCKING BURNS LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS GODDAMN WORLD.

OOLONG IS A FANCY ASS WORD FOR A KIND OF TEA MIX OF BLACK AND GREEN. YOU DON’T GET ANY OF THE FUCKING BITTERNESS OF GREEN TEA, BUT NOT AS MUCH OF THAT FINE-ASS CAFFEINE AS BLACK TEA.

HERBAL TEAS AREN’T FUCKING TEAS. TEA IS A FUCKING SPECIFIC PLANT, EVERYTHING ELSE IS A FUCKING TISANE. BUT IF YOU’RE INTO THAT SHIT, WE’LL TALK HERBALS TOO.

ROOIBOS IS A FUCKING HERBAL TEA, WHICH MEANS IT AIN’T TEA. IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY FUCKING CAFFEINE, BUT DOES HAVE TONS OF FUCKING ANTIOXIDANTS.

HERE’S A FUCKING CAFFEINE CHART.image

ANYWAYS, SO GO PICK OUT YOUR GODDAMN TEA. GET YOURSELF SOME FINE-ASS LOOSELEAF, BECAUSE WE WANT TO TREAT THIS TEA RIGHT. image
NOW THAT’S SOME DAMN FINE TEA.

GET YOURSELF A FUCKING INFUSER TOO, BECAUSE IT MAKES FUCKING SENSE.image
NOW, YOUR FUCKING WATER. SOME PEOPLE WANT PURIFIED CRAP, AND THAT’S FINE FOR THOSE PANSY-ASSES. I CAN’T FUCKING TELL THE DIFFERENCE, SO GET YOURSELF SOME FUCKING TAP WATER IN A FUCKING TEA KETTLE LIKE THIS:
image
OR GET A DAMN HOT WATER POT, IF YOU WANT ANOTHER GODDAMN KITCHEN APPLIANCE. image

WHY NO MICROWAVE? BECAUSE THE MICROWAVE FUCKING MESSES WITH THE WATER, IT GETS THE WATER TOO FUCKING HOT, WHICH IS A BITCH.

IF YOU WANT TO HEAT IT UP, THEN WAIT FOR IT TO COOL AGAIN, YOU’RE ONE PATIENT MOTHERFUCKER. 


SO TAKE SOME TIME TO FUCKING MAKE YOUR TEA, AND JUST USE THE FUCKING STOVE OR POT.

NOW PAY SOME FUCKING ATTENTION, AND DON’T GO JUST BOILING THAT SHIT.

TEA IS FUCKING PICKY. YOU CAN’T JUST GO AROUND BOILING YOUR GODDAMN WATER AND EXPECT A FUCKING GOOD CUP OF TEA. DIFFERENT TEAS NEED DIFFERENT FUCKING TEMPERATURES. SO CHECK THE DAMN CHART BELOW FOR YOUR BEST FUCKING TEA TEMPERATURE BASED ON WHAT FUCKING TEA YOU PICKED.
image
ONCE YOUR FUCKING WATER IS READY, BREW THAT GODDAMN TEA.

AGAIN, LOOK AT THE FUCKING CHART FOR THE AMOUNT OF DAMN TEA YOU NEED FOR A FUCKING CUPPA, AND THEN SHOVE THAT INFUSER DEEP IN THAT WATER.

KEEP THE TEA IN THERE FOR THE FUCKING TIME IN THAT GODDAMN-HANDY CHART UP THERE. GO FUCKING BELOW AND YOUR TEA WILL BE FUCKING WEAK LIKE A PANSY-ASS LAMB, GO TOO LONG AND IT WILL BE BITTER LIKE CARRIE ON FUCKING PROM NIGHT.

NOW THAT YOU HAVE YOUR FINE ASS TEA, CONSIDER YOUR FUCKING CHOICE OF LEMON, SUGAR, HONEY, OR CREAM. OR DRINK THAT SHIT STRAIGHT. ITS UP TO YOU.

AS A BRIT, WHICH MEANS A CERTIFIED TEA-DRINKER, I WOULD LIKE TO INFORM YOU THAT WITH BLACK OR OOLONG TEA, THE MILK GOES IN YOUR CUP FIRST. BEFORE THE TEA. WHICH YOU BREW IN A POT. THIS IS BECAUSE IN THE FANCY DAYS OF TEA-DRINKING POURING BOILING WATER STRAIGHT INTO A PORCELAIN CUP WOULD CRACK IT AND YOU WOULD GET BOILING TEA ALL OVER YOUR LAP, BUT IT ALSO MAKES YOUR TEA TASTE BETTER. DON’T ASK ME WHY. IT JUST DOES. ”

 

  1. millennialchild reblogged this from flowersandstems and added:
    Rebloging again because relevant
  2. sexysuho reblogged this from tokimirage
  3. yaoidreamersland reblogged this from sexysuho
  4. captainpuddingcuppblog reblogged this from spookyhooves
  5. spookyhooves reblogged this from fuckingrecipes
  6. kupkayk reblogged this from teafiending and added:
    Hahaha
  7. peaceluvandpoetry reblogged this from fuckingrecipes
  8. inreali-tea reblogged this from whisper-to-me-love
  9. shsherlocked reblogged this from flowersandstems
  10. some-witchy-bits reblogged this from earth-horn
  11. shape-shifter-malcolm-tucker reblogged this from fuckingrecipes
  12. shdwdmn666 reblogged this from flowersandstems
  13. abriefread reblogged this from breelandwalker
  14. get-out-of-my-fucking-mindpalace reblogged this from fuckingrecipes
  15. demons-67chevy reblogged this from flowersandstems
  16. i-am-the-lion-queen reblogged this from earth-horn
  17. grungetypetitan reblogged this from earth-horn
  18. earth-horn reblogged this from flowersandstems
  19. ktonti reblogged this from empathwalker
  20. octobernoir reblogged this from empathwalker
  21. flowersandstems reblogged this from empathwalker
  22. empathwalker reblogged this from fuckingrecipes
You asshats are talented and majestic warriors, and don't you ever forget it. Conquer the world. You have the potential.

view archive



BUY THE BOOK?

Results

Recipe Masterpost

Scavenger Hunt

FUCKING ASK

Submit a recipe -OR- Show your result