ITS THE FUCKING MISHAPOCALYPSE!
HOLY FUCK, GRAB YOUR FEATHERY ASS AND HAUL OUT, BECAUSE SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET CRAZY!
I’VE BEEN COMMUNING WITH THE SPIRITS OF MISCHIEF AND CHAOS, AND THEY HAVE INFORMED ME THAT THIS BEAUTIFUL BEAST ENJOYS SOME BULLSHIT CALLED ‘KALE’
SO IN SUPPLICATION TO OUR DARK LORD, I’LL BE INFORMING Y’ALL HOW TO MAKE SOME KALE-BASED FOOD. HOPEFULLY HE’LL SPARE OUR UNWORTHY ASSES. 
——


KALE AND ARTICHOKE DIP
1 and 1/12 cups (densely packed)  chopped kale
1 (14 oz) can  artichoke hearts - drain it and chop them up
6 ounces cream cheese
1/2 cup sour cream
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 clove garlic, grated (or 1 tablespoon minced garlic from a bottle)
1/2 teaspoon chili sauce (optional)
1/4 cup grated parmesan
1/4 cup mozzarella, shredded


STARE SOULLESSLY AT THE INGREDIENTS UNTIL THEY MIX THEMSELVES TOGETHER INTO A MEDIUM-SIZED BAKING DISH. 
USING ANGELIC TELEKINESIS, HEAT UP YOUR OVEN TO 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT AND ORGANIZE AN INTERNATIONAL SCAVENGER HUNT WHILE YOU WAIT 20 MINUTES. 
CHECK THE TOP - IS THE CHEESE BROWNISH AND BUBBLING A BIT? IF THAT ASSHOLE ISN’T DOING THAT SHIT, LEAVE YOUR CONCOCTION IN THE OVEN FOR ANOTHER 5-10 MINUTES. 
DEVOUR ALONGSIDE THE BONES OF NONBELIEVERS. 
——


KALE-EGG QUICHE!

1 tube (8 ounces) refrigerated crescent rolls
1 large red pepper, chopped
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 teaspoon minced garlic
5 eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
1 cup kale, washed and finely chopped
1/4 cup sliced pepperoni, cut into strips
1/4 cup half-and-half cream
2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
1 tablespoon minced fresh parsley
1 teaspoon dried basil
BE A CREATIVE ASSHOLE AND UNROLL THE CRESCENT ROLL DOUGH WITH YOUR MAGIC-MAKING FINGERS. REARRANGE THEM INSIDE A PIE TIN TO MAKE A SORT OF CRUST. PINCH TOGETHER THE EDGES SO THERE’S NO CRACKS IN THE DOUGH-FILLED GLORY. 
IN A SKILLET, TOSS THE RED PEPPER AND OLIVE OIL TOGETHER, ON HIGH HEAT. STIR AROUND ‘TILL THE PEPPER STARTS TO GO LIMP WITH FEAR. ADD THE GARLIC AND LET THE HEAT DEVOUR THEIR SOULS FOR ANOTHER MINUTE. 
TAKE THAT FUCKER OFF THE HEAT. RIGHT ABOUT NOW, CLEVER ASSHOLES SHOULD TURN ON THEIR OVEN TO 375 DEGREES FARENHEIT. 
IN A DIFFERENT BOWL… SEE THAT LIST? YEAH, THAT’S A FUCKING LONG LIST. THROW SOME CONFETTI UP IN YOUR PARADE AND GATHER ALL THAT SHIT TOGETHER. 
YOU’LL NEED TO PUNCH IT ALL FIERCELY INTO THE BOWL AND LET YOUR SON MIX IT TOGETHER LIKE THE BOSS HE IS
 THEN COMBINE THAT SHIT WITH YOUR RED PEPPER DELICIOUSNESS, AND POUR THE WHOLE MAJESTIC PILE INTO YOUR HAND-CRAFTED “PIE CRUST” 
DROP-KICK IT INTO THE OVEN AND TWEET YOUR MINIONS ABOUT IT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WAIT ABOUT 25-30 MINUTES, OR UNTIL YOU CAN STAB IT IN THE CENTER WITH YOUR BUTTERFLY KNIFE AND THE BLADE SLIDES OUT NON-GOOEY. 
FUCK YES, YOU JUST MADE SOME DAMN KALE-EGG QUICHE!

ITS THE FUCKING MISHAPOCALYPSE!

HOLY FUCK, GRAB YOUR FEATHERY ASS AND HAUL OUT, BECAUSE SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET CRAZY!

I’VE BEEN COMMUNING WITH THE SPIRITS OF MISCHIEF AND CHAOS, AND THEY HAVE INFORMED ME THAT THIS BEAUTIFUL BEAST ENJOYS SOME BULLSHIT CALLED ‘KALE’

SO IN SUPPLICATION TO OUR DARK LORD, I’LL BE INFORMING Y’ALL HOW TO MAKE SOME KALE-BASED FOOD. HOPEFULLY HE’LL SPARE OUR UNWORTHY ASSES. 

——

image

KALE AND ARTICHOKE DIP

  • 1 and 1/12 cups (densely packed)  chopped kale
  • 1 (14 oz) can  artichoke hearts - drain it and chop them up
  • 6 ounces cream cheese
  • 1/2 cup sour cream
  • 1/4 cup mayonnaise
  • 1 clove garlic, grated (or 1 tablespoon minced garlic from a bottle)
  • 1/2 teaspoon chili sauce (optional)
  • 1/4 cup grated parmesan
  • 1/4 cup mozzarella, shredded

STARE SOULLESSLY AT THE INGREDIENTS UNTIL THEY MIX THEMSELVES TOGETHER INTO A MEDIUM-SIZED BAKING DISH. 

USING ANGELIC TELEKINESIS, HEAT UP YOUR OVEN TO 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT AND ORGANIZE AN INTERNATIONAL SCAVENGER HUNT WHILE YOU WAIT 20 MINUTES. 

CHECK THE TOP - IS THE CHEESE BROWNISH AND BUBBLING A BIT? IF THAT ASSHOLE ISN’T DOING THAT SHIT, LEAVE YOUR CONCOCTION IN THE OVEN FOR ANOTHER 5-10 MINUTES. 

DEVOUR ALONGSIDE THE BONES OF NONBELIEVERS. 

——

image

KALE-EGG QUICHE!

  • 1 tube (8 ounces) refrigerated crescent rolls
  • 1 large red pepper, chopped
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1 teaspoon minced garlic
  • 5 eggs, lightly beaten
  • 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
  • 1 cup kale, washed and finely chopped
  • 1/4 cup sliced pepperoni, cut into strips
  • 1/4 cup half-and-half cream
  • 2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
  • 1 tablespoon minced fresh parsley
  • 1 teaspoon dried basil

BE A CREATIVE ASSHOLE AND UNROLL THE CRESCENT ROLL DOUGH WITH YOUR MAGIC-MAKING FINGERS. REARRANGE THEM INSIDE A PIE TIN TO MAKE A SORT OF CRUST. PINCH TOGETHER THE EDGES SO THERE’S NO CRACKS IN THE DOUGH-FILLED GLORY. 

IN A SKILLET, TOSS THE RED PEPPER AND OLIVE OIL TOGETHER, ON HIGH HEAT. STIR AROUND ‘TILL THE PEPPER STARTS TO GO LIMP WITH FEAR. ADD THE GARLIC AND LET THE HEAT DEVOUR THEIR SOULS FOR ANOTHER MINUTE. 

TAKE THAT FUCKER OFF THE HEAT. RIGHT ABOUT NOW, CLEVER ASSHOLES SHOULD TURN ON THEIR OVEN TO 375 DEGREES FARENHEIT. 

IN A DIFFERENT BOWL… SEE THAT LIST? YEAH, THAT’S A FUCKING LONG LIST. THROW SOME CONFETTI UP IN YOUR PARADE AND GATHER ALL THAT SHIT TOGETHER.

YOU’LL NEED TO PUNCH IT ALL FIERCELY INTO THE BOWL AND LET YOUR SON MIX IT TOGETHER LIKE THE BOSS HE IS

THEN COMBINE THAT SHIT WITH YOUR RED PEPPER DELICIOUSNESS, AND POUR THE WHOLE MAJESTIC PILE INTO YOUR HAND-CRAFTED “PIE CRUST” 

DROP-KICK IT INTO THE OVEN AND TWEET YOUR MINIONS ABOUT IT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WAIT ABOUT 25-30 MINUTES, OR UNTIL YOU CAN STAB IT IN THE CENTER WITH YOUR BUTTERFLY KNIFE AND THE BLADE SLIDES OUT NON-GOOEY. 

FUCK YES, YOU JUST MADE SOME DAMN KALE-EGG QUICHE!

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