TV BREAD: THE SITCOM SPINOFF

andythanfiction:

So, you guys really liked making yeast bread, but some of you are impatient motherfuckers and want your tv bread in a half hour sitcom, not two one-hour dramas.  Well FINE.  The answer is FLATBREAD, and there’s not one, not two, but THREE ways to make it!  

FLATBREAD

Take FLOUR.  Fuck gluten, this shit doesn’t need the same rise-ability, so you can use corn flour, dal flour, rice flour, potato flour, cassava flour, taro flour, even sawdust if you’re having a beaver over for breakfast (and they’d probably really appreciate the legit maple syrup, but I think they’re vegan, so hold off on the butter).  Add roughly HALF the amount of LIQUID as you had flour.  Cup of flour?  Add half a cup of liquid and thank your second grade math teacher.  Milk, water, tea, buttermilk, beer, whatever, just as long as it passes the not-so-acid-or-salty-it-would-hurt-to-get-on-a-cut test like in the last bread recipe.  Maybe Alton Brown can get orange juice bread to work, but if you’re using this recipe, you’re not there yet.  That’s the Michael Jordon slam dunk from the three point line of breadmaking.  Now add 3/4 teaspoon of BAKING POWDER and about a tablespoon of FAT (oil, lard, bacon grease, melted butter, whatever) unless the liquid was like whole milk or something that had a good amount of it in there.  

Mix it around, punch it, whack it, poke it, flip it, and generally mess with it until it’s dough and not sticky.  Add flour if you need to.  Now let it sit for one act of your half-hour sitcom.  Come back, make it into balls, make the balls into flat-ass little circles like 1/4” (half a cm) or less thick.  You want herbs, olives, bacon, cheese, sundried tomatoes, raisins, spices, seeds?  GO AHEAD!  MIX THAT SHIT ALL UP IN THERE!  

Heat up your pan on medium-high, add a spoonful of oil, cook one side toasty tasty in like two minutes, flip it over and cook the other one.  It’s done when it looks and smells fucking done.  If it doesn’t look done, cook it longer.  If it burns, you cooked it too fucking long.  If it’s getting black spots and still not cooked in between them, turn your goddamned heat down.  If it’s been sitting there more than five minutes and isn’t done, turn your goddamned heat ON.  If it sticks, use more oil on the next one.

SPECIAL DIRECTOR’S CUT BONUS FEATURES: Add an egg and make small blobs or balls out of this dough and deep fry it and you’ve got fritters.  Mix in as much shredded zucchini, potato, sweet potato, corn, crab meat, carrot, banana, or whatthefuckever as the dough can hold, and deep fry it, and you’ve also got fritters! Add garlic, onion powder, parsley, and use a half and half mix of corn and wheat flour, and you’ve got hushpuppies!

FLATBREAD 2: THE RETURN OF FLATBREAD

This time, add an egg, double the baking powder, double the fat, double the liquid, AND DOUBLE THE FUN!  Add a pinch of salt and if you want it sweet, about a tablespoon of sugar.  Everything else is the same, but the different ratios make it much lighter, fluffier, and more tender.  If you want the lighter and more tender but not the fluffier and want to go kind crepey, ditch the baking powder all together.  

FLATBREAD 3: MILKING THE FRANCHISE

This time around, the studio’s just in it for the money, so they aren’t even trying for originality.  Start with yeast bread dough.  Whether you made it yourself fresh, hauled it out of the fridge, or bought it refrigerated, just heat up some oil in a pan, make flat discy things out of it, and cook it like a friggin’ pancake.  It’s actually that fucking simple.  And it’ll still be awesome.  Kinda like Iron Man 3.  

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  4. scaryfeet07 reblogged this from fuckingrecipes and added:
    I want to give this a go next time I have no bread. :)
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    So, you guys really liked making yeast bread, but some of you are impatient motherfuckers and want your tv bread in a...
  24. elwynbrooks reblogged this from andythanfiction and added:
    I want all cookbooks to be written like this.
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You asshats are talented and majestic warriors, and don't you ever forget it. Conquer the world. You have the potential.

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