YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WANT TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE THAT DELICIOUS EGGY YELLOW SWIRLY SHIT?
THAT SHIT’S CALLED ‘TAMAGOYAKI’ AND IS BASICALLY THE MOST GORGEOUS THING YOU CAN PUT INTO YOUR FUCKING FACE IN THE MORNING!
FUCK, THIS GLORIOUS ASSHOLE IS SO RAD THAT YOU CAN EVEN CHILL IT AND EAT IT COLD IN YOUR LUNCHBOX!
HOW’S THAT FOR INGENUITY!
TAMAGOYAKI LITERALLY MEANS ‘FRIED EGG’ BUT THIS IS NO WIMPY-ASS SUNNY-SIDE-UP BULLSHIT!
GOD DAMMIT JAPAN! STOP BEING SO FUCKING RAD! 
GET OUT A PAN AND CRANK THE HEAT UP TO MEDIUM! NORMALLY I GO ‘HIGH’ BECAUSE I’VE GOT WIZARD-SKILLS, BUT UNTIL YOU MASTER THE TECHNIQUE, I’VE GOT YOU ON EASY MODE. 
DON’T BE INSULTED, YOU’RE A NEWBIE. WELCOME THE LEARNING EXPERIENCE AND UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN RAISE THE DIFFICULTY LEVEL AS YOU LEARN AND IMPROVE! 
WHILE THAT ASSHOLE GETS ITS SHIT TOGETHER, LET’S GATHER OUR INGREDIENTS! 
SING SOLEMN SONGS ABOUT YOUR LOST MOUNTAIN HOME TO A CHICKEN UNTIL IT GIVES YOU TWO OR THREE EGGS, OR SIGNS UP TO JOIN YOUR QUEST PARTY. 
SLINK BEHIND THAT NOISY-ASS WATERFALL YOU HAVE CHILLING IN YOUR BACKYARD. PUSH ASIDE ALL YOUR DRAGON LOOT AND ENCHANTED DIAMOND PICKAXES TO FIND YOUR BEST BOTTLE OF SOY SAUCE. 
THERE’S ACTUALLY SPECIAL SOY SAUCE THAT YOU CAN GET THAT IS SUPER-HIGH-QUALITY AND TASTES LIKE HEAVEN CRAMMED ITSELF DOWN YOUR THROAT, AND WILL KEEP YOUR TAMAGOYAKI GOLDEN YELLOW AND BEAUTIFUL!
HOWEVER, I’M A CHEAP ASSHOLE WHO THINKS NORMAL SOY SAUCE IS GOOD ENOUGH GODDAMMIT, AND SO MEASURE OUT 1 TEASPOON OF THAT SHIT AND PLOP IT IN YOUR EGGS. 
REMEMBER THE TEARS OF BABY DUCKS THAT WE HARVESTED LAST WEEK? THEY SHOULD BE DRY ENOUGH TO GATHER 1 TABLESPOON OF BEAUTIFUL SUGAR. 
STAY CLASSY AS YOU FALCON-PUNCH THAT BULLSHIT INTO YOUR EGGS. 
HOLY TITTY FUCK, THIS SALTY-SWEET DELICIOUSNESS NEEDS TO BE GENTLY SCRAMBLED! 
FREAKING OUT BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLE TO EGGS? CHILL YOUR SWEET ASS DOWN MATE, AND DON’T GO HULK-RAGE ON THIS BAD BEAST, IT NEEDS SOME GENTLE LOVIN’. COUNT IT OUT WITH ME, OKAY? GRAB A FORK AND TILT THE CUP OR BOWL OR HOLLOWED-OUT SKULL AND WHISK IT 20 TIMES. 
AIM FOR THE SUGAR ON THE BOTTOM, BECAUSE IT’S A SNEAKY ASSHOLE AND LIKES TO HIDE FROM YOUR SCRAMBLING PROWESS. 
THERE SHOULD STILL BE BITS OF EGG WHITE LIVING THE HIGH LIFE, ALL INDIVIDUALISTIC AND SHIT. 
THIS IS WHERE IT GETS DIFFICULT. THIS IS THE TECHNIQUE.

DRIZZLE SOME OF YOUR SCRAMBLED BULLSHIT INTO THE PAN. JUST BARELY ENOUGH TO COVER THE BOTTOM!
 CAREFUL, BECAUSE EGGS ARE ADVENTUROUS MOTHERFUCKERS AND LIKE TO LEAP OUT OF THE CUP.
USING YOUR SPATULA, PEEL UP THE EDGES ALL THE WAY AROUND. 
NOW FLIP A CORNER OVER!
I’M ASSUMING YOU’RE USING A NORMAL ROUND PAN, AND NOT ONE OF THOSE CRAZY-AWESOME SQUARE-SHAPED PANS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR BAD-ASS THINGS LIKE TAMAGOYAKI. 
SO IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS

KEEP FLIPPING, ASSHOLE! ROLL THAT BADASS OVER ALL THE WAY TO THE EDGE, WHERE IT’S FOLDED UP LIKE A PRETTY LITTLE WRAP!
NOW SLOP SOME MORE EGGS INTO THE EMPTY SPACE IN YOUR PAN, WAIT A FEW SECONDS, AND ROLL THAT WRAP THE OTHER WAY! 
IF YOU’RE STINGY WITH YOUR EGG USAGE, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET TWO OR THREE BACK-AND-FORTH ROLLS OUT OF THIS SUCKER. 

FLIP IT OVER, ROLL IT AROUND ON ITS OWN, AND GENERALLY MAKE SURE IT’S PRETTY DAMN COOKED BEFORE SLAPPING IT OUT ONTO A PLATE. 
WHIP OUT YOUR BOWIE KNIFE, BECAUSE THE THUG LIFE CHOOSES YOU, AND NINJA-CHOP THAT EGGY BURRITO IMPERSONATOR INTO BITE-SIZED MORSELS! 

LOOK AT YOUR FANCY ASS, MAKING TAMAGOYAKI!
 
WANT TO MAKE IT EXTRA FLUFFY AND DELICIOUS? BUTTERFLY KICK A TABLESPOON OF CHICKEN, DUCK OR BEEF BROTH INTO THE EGGS BEFORE YOU WISK!


YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WANT TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE THAT DELICIOUS EGGY YELLOW SWIRLY SHIT?

THAT SHIT’S CALLED ‘TAMAGOYAKI’ AND IS BASICALLY THE MOST GORGEOUS THING YOU CAN PUT INTO YOUR FUCKING FACE IN THE MORNING!

FUCK, THIS GLORIOUS ASSHOLE IS SO RAD THAT YOU CAN EVEN CHILL IT AND EAT IT COLD IN YOUR LUNCHBOX!

HOW’S THAT FOR INGENUITY!

TAMAGOYAKI LITERALLY MEANS ‘FRIED EGG’ BUT THIS IS NO WIMPY-ASS SUNNY-SIDE-UP BULLSHIT!

GOD DAMMIT JAPAN! STOP BEING SO FUCKING RAD!

GET OUT A PAN AND CRANK THE HEAT UP TO MEDIUM! NORMALLY I GO ‘HIGH’ BECAUSE I’VE GOT WIZARD-SKILLS, BUT UNTIL YOU MASTER THE TECHNIQUE, I’VE GOT YOU ON EASY MODE.

DON’T BE INSULTED, YOU’RE A NEWBIE. WELCOME THE LEARNING EXPERIENCE AND UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN RAISE THE DIFFICULTY LEVEL AS YOU LEARN AND IMPROVE!

WHILE THAT ASSHOLE GETS ITS SHIT TOGETHER, LET’S GATHER OUR INGREDIENTS!

SING SOLEMN SONGS ABOUT YOUR LOST MOUNTAIN HOME TO A CHICKEN UNTIL IT GIVES YOU TWO OR THREE EGGS, OR SIGNS UP TO JOIN YOUR QUEST PARTY.

SLINK BEHIND THAT NOISY-ASS WATERFALL YOU HAVE CHILLING IN YOUR BACKYARD. PUSH ASIDE ALL YOUR DRAGON LOOT AND ENCHANTED DIAMOND PICKAXES TO FIND YOUR BEST BOTTLE OF SOY SAUCE.

THERE’S ACTUALLY SPECIAL SOY SAUCE THAT YOU CAN GET THAT IS SUPER-HIGH-QUALITY AND TASTES LIKE HEAVEN CRAMMED ITSELF DOWN YOUR THROAT, AND WILL KEEP YOUR TAMAGOYAKI GOLDEN YELLOW AND BEAUTIFUL!

HOWEVER, I’M A CHEAP ASSHOLE WHO THINKS NORMAL SOY SAUCE IS GOOD ENOUGH GODDAMMIT, AND SO MEASURE OUT 1 TEASPOON OF THAT SHIT AND PLOP IT IN YOUR EGGS.

REMEMBER THE TEARS OF BABY DUCKS THAT WE HARVESTED LAST WEEK? THEY SHOULD BE DRY ENOUGH TO GATHER 1 TABLESPOON OF BEAUTIFUL SUGAR.

STAY CLASSY AS YOU FALCON-PUNCH THAT BULLSHIT INTO YOUR EGGS.

HOLY TITTY FUCK, THIS SALTY-SWEET DELICIOUSNESS NEEDS TO BE GENTLY SCRAMBLED!

FREAKING OUT BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLE TO EGGS? CHILL YOUR SWEET ASS DOWN MATE, AND DON’T GO HULK-RAGE ON THIS BAD BEAST, IT NEEDS SOME GENTLE LOVIN’. COUNT IT OUT WITH ME, OKAY? GRAB A FORK AND TILT THE CUP OR BOWL OR HOLLOWED-OUT SKULL AND WHISK IT 20 TIMES.

AIM FOR THE SUGAR ON THE BOTTOM, BECAUSE IT’S A SNEAKY ASSHOLE AND LIKES TO HIDE FROM YOUR SCRAMBLING PROWESS.

THERE SHOULD STILL BE BITS OF EGG WHITE LIVING THE HIGH LIFE, ALL INDIVIDUALISTIC AND SHIT.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS DIFFICULT. THIS IS THE TECHNIQUE.


DRIZZLE SOME OF YOUR SCRAMBLED BULLSHIT INTO THE PAN. JUST BARELY ENOUGH TO COVER THE BOTTOM!

CAREFUL, BECAUSE EGGS ARE ADVENTUROUS MOTHERFUCKERS AND LIKE TO LEAP OUT OF THE CUP.

USING YOUR SPATULA, PEEL UP THE EDGES ALL THE WAY AROUND.

NOW FLIP A CORNER OVER!

I’M ASSUMING YOU’RE USING A NORMAL ROUND PAN, AND NOT ONE OF THOSE CRAZY-AWESOME SQUARE-SHAPED PANS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR BAD-ASS THINGS LIKE TAMAGOYAKI.

SO IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THISimage


KEEP FLIPPING, ASSHOLE! ROLL THAT BADASS OVER ALL THE WAY TO THE EDGE, WHERE IT’S FOLDED UP LIKE A PRETTY LITTLE WRAP!

NOW SLOP SOME MORE EGGS INTO THE EMPTY SPACE IN YOUR PAN, WAIT A FEW SECONDS, AND ROLL THAT WRAP THE OTHER WAY!

IF YOU’RE STINGY WITH YOUR EGG USAGE, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET TWO OR THREE BACK-AND-FORTH ROLLS OUT OF THIS SUCKER.


FLIP IT OVER, ROLL IT AROUND ON ITS OWN, AND GENERALLY MAKE SURE IT’S PRETTY DAMN COOKED BEFORE SLAPPING IT OUT ONTO A PLATE.

WHIP OUT YOUR BOWIE KNIFE, BECAUSE THE THUG LIFE CHOOSES YOU, AND NINJA-CHOP THAT EGGY BURRITO IMPERSONATOR INTO BITE-SIZED MORSELS!


LOOK AT YOUR FANCY ASS, MAKING TAMAGOYAKI!

 

WANT TO MAKE IT EXTRA FLUFFY AND DELICIOUS? BUTTERFLY KICK A TABLESPOON OF CHICKEN, DUCK OR BEEF BROTH INTO THE EGGS BEFORE YOU WISK!

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